I have been to the mountain tops of gaming my fellow geeks and freaks. From Asteroids to Zelda, I've conquered more than my fair share of vidja monoliths. I've saved the universe from space pirates, used murder as a reliable customer service tool with hookers, and addictively rolled the solar system into a ball because Cosmic Daddy would abuse me if I didn't. Hell, I've conquered heaven and hell. I honestly was running out of ways to be entertained.

It was my fault. I was greedy with my toys. Gluttonously devouring everything developers could put in front of me. I was at the end of my rope. Ready to commit seppuku with an old PlayStation Legacy of Kain CD, while screaming to the void to take me. One more ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ disappointing Ubisoft game was all it would take. Throw the controller down. Mario take the wheel. Sweet baby Master Chief, take me home.

Then it happened. My wife, ever loving, and seeing my pain, stopped me. She said, "Try this one, it looks fun." "Please no..." I whimpered. "I can't do this anymore."

"WTF are you crying about you little sissy ♥♥♥♥♥?! I said play it, now get your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ credit card out, and pay the measly two dollars! I swear to Christ, if I have to repeat myself, I'll cut your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ off and go find someone who actually knows how to use it! The ♥♥♥♥ are you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ about you pansy ass little cupcake?!" She then shattered my septum with an empty bottle of Old English she had been drinking and went back to tattooing "♥♥♥♥♥ Annihilator" on the back of her right hand.

God, I love that woman. One day she might literally murder me. I have a fear boner right now.

Sorry, what was I saying?......OH YEAH, so I downloaded yet another indie game, and in preparation for what I knew was coming, opened the waiting gem case. That's when my life was saved by a grey, horny, amorphous blob, with an insatiable desire for Bergères.

Like the NES games of old, the gameplay loop is simple. You get on a dating app (I wasn't paying attention to what it was called. My guess is Timber) and select the next victim/lover. Then there is a rhythm style clicking game. You have to hit the right tempo to please your partner. And, just like the real world, you are graded by the quality of your work afterwords. Then, also like real life, it's on to the next encounter with what may possibly turn out to be a Lovecraftian horror of a sexual partner.

I already hear some of you shouting, "I've made it this far and I still don't see what the big deal is. Why does this matter? Did you just buy a game called "Chair ♥♥♥♥♥♥" so you could write a long-winded review?"
1. Shut the ♥♥♥♥ up. I have the conch right now.
2. Get out of my head you witch.
3. No, simmer down. Don't make me get the hose again.

In the days of old games weren't "good" because they were long, or pretty, or had a great story. They were good if they were FUN. This game made ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ a chair fun and funny. And the achievements you get right off the bat are worth the price of admission alone. It's a triple ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ threat. Choke on that Horizon Zero Dawn, you worthless ♥♥♥♥.

Also, you sometimes come across a piece of art, and immediately know it's legacy. Everyone thought that Metal Gear was going to be a one hit wonder. Those same people can now suck on Hideo Kojima's double-sided dildo made of 100 dollar bills. In the moment, you find these shinning paragons of change. Divine moments of clarity, that no matter the chaos of life, the crippling strife that confronts you, no matter what fate may ♥♥♥♥ on your chest with, you know. This game will find me later, and I can already see how.

I'll drop 186 bucks on “Assassins Creed 74: No really, Ninjas this time". I could have paid $70 but then I don't get the 3 vanity items that make me look like a geisha, and I won't be able to play it 5 hours earlier then the poor. I'll be wondering through their immaculately curated set pieces. I'll be doing yet another "Follow, but not to close" stealth mission and then I'll see it in the background. Some throw away piece of furniture in the scenery and I won't be able to stop the thought, "But can I ♥♥♥♥ it?" It will happen, and I will smile and then I will know. I spent my two dollars well.

TLDR; Stop being a cheap ♥♥♥♥. Spend the two bucks and go ♥♥♥♥ a chair. For Science.

Pretty good game gifted it to a old friend of mine I think he thought I was crazy.
Also I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ the devils throne into submission ;) Top tier if you ask me.

♥♥♥♥ Chairs Get Money