So female dolphins have vaginal secretions that make a male dolphin just ♥♥♥ over and over and over. From this point on, I will call these secretions Dolphin ♥♥♥♥♥ jelly. Scientists were like "♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, dude we gotta test this. You know, for science" So the scientists collected a sample of said dolphin ♥♥♥♥♥ jelly, and had a test primate. They swabbed it on the male primate's ♥♥♥♥, sat back and watched the show. Now you see, it worked. But it worked a little too well. The monkey straight up had a heart attack because it used all of its energy into ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I want to live in a world where this is a commercial product. I want to say "you know what, I want to die and i know what to do about it." I want to live in a world where i can go into my local grocery store, pick up a bottle of Smucker's Dolphin ♥♥♥♥♥ Jelly, and just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥ myself to death




Every single morning, my two large sons Thad and Hunter wake me up earlier than my alarm and ask me “dad, did Zuckerberg release his avi legs yet?”

I always get up, make a groggy way to the kitchen and feed them 24 ounces of Blue Wilderness puppy chow (kids are units and the crude protein is really good for them). I remind them that Mark is a busy man, he’s working on it, and usually by 7am they come around. I ask them what they want Mark’s legs to look like, and we play a game about all the places his metaverse legs could take him.

I woke up today with a relief that only a parent can understand.

My sons, my beautiful large sons, slept in today.