the clock app always picks the numbers for you but in calculator the numbers can be anything you want

𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘢𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘣𝘢𝘱𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢

The best part of a boys night at a mates place when you're in your late 30s is how quickly it turns into a conversation about your various medical ailments.

Week 2 of the "Why didn't the cleaner take the urinal cleaner out of the plastic bag before chucking it into the trough" show starts TOMORROW!

Ha! A scientific study confirmed one of my beliefs? What a fascist bourgeois waste of time and energy. I already knew that was true because it’s one of my ideological articles of faith, which is the same thing as a demonstrated fact

i think everyone deserves a large rock a short distance from their home. i dont like that discussions about walkable cities never include plans to allow wider access to large rocks. the people need large rock

handing out weird PDFs i saved years ago and never read to the trick or treaters

i thinks whats wrong with me is i have never spent one thousand dollars at the aquarium gift shop. imagine what that could do for me

NO! I'M WITH THE SCIENCE TEAM!

𝙞 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙧𝙤𝙗 𝙯𝙤𝙢𝙗𝙞𝙚’𝙨 𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙘 𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙨 𝙪𝙥 𝙨𝙤 𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙞𝙩𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙞𝙩𝙨 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙙 𝙖 𝙛𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙞𝙣? 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙢 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙞 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙧𝙤𝙗, 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄𝙁 𝙞 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙙 𝙖 𝙛𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙞𝙣? 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙪𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙗𝙪𝙢

got kicked out of the time loop cause i wasn't learning any life lessons and was just using it to crank my thang crazy style

Imagine being conscripted to the BUS SERVICE

The next Toy Story plot should be about the toys losing their prominent shelf space to unopened Funko Pop boxes, fully sick Anime figurines, and socially embarrassing pre-order statues for video games.

𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒂 𝒇𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒕

Remember to buy your "my GAMER boyfriend has NEVER BEEN CHARGED for crimes committed in 1988, 1991 &1993 and if not stopped HE WILL KILL AGAIN" shirt

Fantastic argument, however, I have already failed to meaningfully interact with the mechanics and rules of your favorite game, and my resulting negative opinion on it is set on stone.

if i lived in the mushroom kingdom luigi and i would be best friends

mario and i would have a mutual respect for each other but we never really clicked

princess peach would have me executed via firing squad for the role i played in the infamous toad town murders of '96 but it would be later discovered that my involvement was greatly exaggerated and the severity of my sentence will weigh on peachs mind as she feels like it sullied her reputation as a fair and just ruler

stop talking about the USA. I have heard enough about that wretched place

man cannot subsist on live service games and ongoing series alone you have to read or watch or play something that is complete and self-contained and ideally 5+ years old every now and then or you will die badly

AI Generated Slop for dinner, yum tum, time for violent gastro

All Greyhounds should be named something like Laughing Jerry or Smiling Jake or Mango Larry

man & girl go out to drive under moonlight. they stop at on at a side of road. he turn to his girl and say: "baby, i love you very much"
"what is it honey?"
"our car is broken down. i think the engine is broken, ill walk and get some more fuel."
"ok. ill stay here and look after our stereo. there have been news report of steres being stolen."
"good idea. keep the doors locked no matter what. i love you sweaty"

so the guy left to get full for the car. after two hours the girl say "where is my baby, he was supposed to be back by now". then the girl here a scratching sound and a voice say "LET ME IN"

the girl doesn't do it and then after a while she goes to sleep. the next morning she wakes up and finds her boyfriend still not there. she gets out to check and man door hand hook car door.

Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you.

Instead of the Olympics asking who is the fastest, they need to ask who is the fattest

i want to be one of those famous mediums who does readings for thousands of people in a huge theater and im on stage and im like does anyone have a grandma…a grandma and her name starts with a j and she died of a stroke in 2003 and someone is like oh my god that was my grandma how did you know!!! and then im like please let me take your hand. I have a message from her for you. she HATES when you masturbate

I KNOW THE COMMANDER BECAUSE HE'S MY PAL

this is a controversial take but I think everything's gonna be all right. let's just keep going, I'm sure it'll be worth it

"preheat"? dude i dont even HEAT my oven. thats right. im cooking my ♥♥♥♥ coldstyle. im stretching the definition of "cooking" far beyond its ultimate tensile strength. my chicken breasts are the most gorgeous pink color you've ever seen. they look like rosebuds on the very cusp of blooming. they look like the dawn when you're in love. hospital.

Ah yeah, make a kids show about 16th Century Spanish colonialism that ends with someone jamming a cooling rod into an out of control portable nuclear fusion reactor at the base of a cryogenics facility and apparently melting, then cut to the protagonists getting in their golden aircraft to do a transpacific flight because they're bored and dunno what else to do. Then you should also remember to tell kids exactly how the aztecs would sacrifice young women while showing a live re-enactment of it. Also you should ask some random yacht idiot to explain a plasma physics phenomenon and have him ramble about spitting plum seeds in the ocean instead. Then fail to follow up on the story for 30 years because why not.
THAT'S how to make one of the best shows of all time.

people who stand up as soon as the airplane parks and just wait in the center aisle farting in your face and dropping their suitcase on ur head for 20 minutes while they wait to disembark go to the same level of hell as people who dont return shopping carts

Special congratulations to the 19 year old Libby Austin for being accidentally automatically elected to Penrith City Council along with her 84 year old running mate Edwin Mifsud when the Liberal Party forgot that they were supposed to register to be on the ballot.

Man, stuff making another Stardew Valley game, remake Sim Earth or Sim Isle instead ya cowards.

What sort of freak takes their dog to Bunnings?!?

I'm extremely uncomfortable learning that Humphrey B. Bear is not only the only bear in the world to become a cub when he was initiated into the Scouts, he's also South Australian and has been silently gesturing on TV since 1965.

video games should let you throw all the items you saved up so far into some big awful soup that defeats the final boss in one hit

makes me sick to see people dedicating their lives to their careers and families. what about phone in bed

Receiving high importance push notifications in the middle of a business meeting that just say "GAMATOTO HAS RETURNED"

Suddenly realising that Iran has the opposite mindset of JK Rowling by being PRO TRANS and HYPERSEXIST

unfortunately, “it’s complicated” continues to be the correct answer to most questions worth asking. yeah I’m annoyed about it too

No i didn't "forget to pack a toothbrush and a phone charger" its called on site procurement. Solid snake does it too

It is inevitable: if you give a dude access to a computer, he'll try and make it simulate swordfighting skeletons.

A cow's just a milky dog

What if we called flat lemonade, "flaccid" lemonade?

You too can get true insight into the mind of others when you use the office toilet, especially if you wish to hear men spitting into the trough while urinating and loudly bemoaningto his mate how he can't remember what the rock band version of the Jetsons was called and how noone plays Tom and Jerry anymore as well as how filled with ultraviolence all these cartoons were.

WHOMST?!?

Let me put this in terms you understand: "all your brakes are belong to dust" and if you don't finally replace them you might "do a barrel roll" into whatever is on the side of the road

let me put this in ways you'll understand. When you dropped a steaming "hot fix" into our irrigation system, you "crashed" our turnip harvest. Now, my bannermen are going to "rip your lungs out".

captured by a vampire but theyre trying to find a good youtube video to watch while sucking your blood and youre just like come on can you just get it over with

in World War 1 around 8 million horses died but in World War 2 it was under a million which can only mean horses started to evolve bullet resistance

Spending thousands of dollars on fancy MIDI keyboards and software instruments just to play the ABC News theme badly is my idea of a good time.