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I'm terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter, this is not easy for me at all, honestly. This note will be the last memory you'll ever have of me, our relationship just isn't working out for me.. Don't let it get you all upset inside, It was completely your fault, no doubt about it. It is because of your history of farting problems that keep me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.
You'd be much better off finding a person that can deal with sweet way you leave your snot rags on the table. I might miss certain things about you such as the time you flirted with my father at our family Christmas dinner.
I'm glad this is done and we're going separate directions for good. I think you'll find someone to have an unhealthy relationship based on physical attraction. And hopefully We will be at opposite ends of the country.
Love, Mike