Hardcore RPG: Here's one -- nine keys.
Gamer: I'm not a casual!
Competitive MP: What?
Hardcore RPG: Nothing -- here's your nine keys.
Gamer: I'm not a casual!
Competitive MP: Here -- he says he's not a casual!
Hardcore RPG: Yes, he is.
Gamer: I'm not!
Competitive MP: He isn't?
Hardcore RPG: Well, he will be soon, he keeps buying Indie titles.
Gamer: I'm getting better!
Hardcore RPG: No, you're not -- you'll be playing walking sims in a moment.
Competitive MP: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
Gamer: I don't want to go in to the lobby!
Hardcore RPG: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Competitive MP: I can't take him...
Gamer: I feel fine!
Hardcore RPG: Oh, do us a favor...
Competitive MP: I can't.
Hardcore RPG: Well, can you hang around a couple of matches? He won't
be long.
Competitive MP: Naaah, I got to go on to Store page -- they've lost nine
to Indie's today.
Hardcore RPG: Well, when is your next round?
Competitive MP: Summer sale.
Gamer: I think I'll play a RPG.
Hardcore RPG: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
Gamer: I see a skill tree!... I see a skill tree!
*Whomp*
Hardcore RPG: Ah, thanks very much.
Competitive MP: Not at all. See you next sale.
Hardcore RPG: Right.


The sketch:
Game Critic: Hello again. I am at present still in game, but in a few seconds I shall be appearing on the community hub. Thank you.
Game Critic Hello. Mr. Murray? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Hello Games Company?
Murray: I am.
Game Critic: Steam Consumers and I are from the refund squad. We want to have a word with you about your game called No Man’s Sky.
Murray: Ah, yes.
Game Critic: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the price. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
Murray: Agreed.
Game Critic: Next we have number four, ‘infinite procedurally generated universe’.
Murray: Ah, yes.
Game Critic: Am I right in thinking there are duplicate assets in here?
Murray: Yes. Little ones.
Game Critic: What sort of assets?
Murray: Terrain, resources...stations, buildings...flora
Game Critic: Are they unique?
Murray: No.
Game Critic: What, they’re not unique?
Murray: We use only the finest alpha quality gameplay, beta testing skipped or sourced out to Iraq, cleansed in the shiniest of graphics, lightly bugged, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth envelope of misleading game trailers and lovingly frosted with false advertising.
Game Critic: That's as maybe, they are still recycled assets.
Murray: What else?
Game Critic: Well don't you even have several variations of the same asset?
Murray: If we did that it would be more ‘procedurally generated’ wouldn’t it?
Game Critic: Steam customers played this.
Steam Customer: Excuse me a moment.
Murray: It says 'procedurally generated' quite clearly.
Game Critic: Well, Steam customers thought it was going to be unique. People will expect there to be variations. They're bound to think it's some form of early access.
Murray: Early access? We make every intent to market this game as a complete and finished product!
Game Critic: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'procedurally generated', and replace them with the legend 'procedurally dropped, duplicate assets being generated', if you want to avoid prosecution.
Murray: What about our sales?
Game Critic: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general public. Now how about this one. It was number five, wasn't it? Number five, ‘find your own destiny’. What kind of gameplay is this?
Murray: We use choicest, juiciest tasks, replicated, dropped on a new ‘procedurally generated’ world, painted a new color, and called power.
Game Critic: Power?
Murray: Correct.
Game Critic: Well it don't say nothing about that here.
Murray: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after ‘taking pirates for their bounties’.
Game Critic: Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning ‘grinding gameplay’.
Murray: Our sales would plummet.
Game Critic: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of game development, like action or racing; very popular play styles I'm led to understand. I mean look at this one, alien contact or language database. What's this one, ‘multiplayer’?
Murray: Ah - now, that was our intent - covered with the darkest starry sky. When you find someone you know, try to meet up at the same location in the game, and find that you are utterly alone.
Game Critic: Well where's the pleasure in that?
If people pay for a game that states multiplayer and find that they can be supposedly be in the same location, they expect to see one another. In any case this is an inadequate description of the features. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
Murray: It's a fair cop.
Game Critic: Stop talking to the camera.
Murray: I'm sorry.
Steam Customer: If only the general public would take more care when buying its pre-orders, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the Steam and they would spend less time working on their refunds and would spend more time enjoying a game that plays as advertised.


The sketch:
Host: Last week the Steam Community saw the first appearance of a new VAC by one of the world's leading hackers, Arthur 'Two Smurfs' Jackson. Mr. Jackson.
Jackson: Hello.
Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: "Two Smurfs". How did you come by it?
Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two Smurfs".
Host: And do you in fact have two smurfs?
Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Two Smurfs".
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Jackson: Yes.
Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second smurf?
Jackson: No!
Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?
Jackson: No.
Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your rank.
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: Did you obtain this Legendary Eagle Master on your smurf?
Jackson: No!
Host: Have you used any of your recent hacks on this smurf of yours?
Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden-variety smurf.
Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second smurf to hack on!
Jackson: No, no. Look. This smurf business -- it doesn't really matter. The smurfs aren't important. A few friends call me Two Smurfs and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the rank. Everybody talks about the smurfs. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a serious, competitive player. I'm going to get rid of the smurf. I'm fed up with it!
Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Smurfs' Jackson, eh?
Jackson: Look, forget about the smurfs. They don't matter.
Host: Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your rank.
Jackson: Huh!
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in skin gambling.
Jackson: What?
Host: I understand that, you were interested in skin gambling.
Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody rank?
Other host: Are you having any trouble with him?
Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed a Global Elite earlier.
Other host: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Two Smurfs".
Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Smurfs". This studio isn't big enough for the three of us!
Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! *Crash*
Other host: Get Gud, you fairy!
Host: Arthur "Two Smurfs" Jackson... Never mind, Noob!
Other host: Oh Mike, you're such an idiot.