3 people found this review helpful
5 people found this review funny
Recommended
0.0 hrs last two weeks / 7,598.5 hrs on record (4,052.5 hrs at review time)
Posted: 27 Mar, 2016 @ 9:57am
Updated: 8 Jun, 2018 @ 1:52pm

CS:GO Review
The world we live in. It's so... Wondrous. Mysterious. Even magical. No... No no no.. Not that world. I meant this one. The smartphone. Each system and program app is it's own little planet of perfect. Technology. All providing services so necessary, so crucial, so unbelievably profound. Look who just sent me a text! Addie McCallister? It must be a mistake. Or a joke. Or a scam! Don't send her your social security number. She's right there! That's our user, Alex. And, like every freshman in high school, his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone. And, because the pace of life gets, faster and faster... Phones down in five. And attention spans get shorter and shorter... And... You're probably not even listening to me right now. Who has the time to type out actual words? And that's where we come in. The most important invention in the history of communication! Emojis. That's my home! Textopolis. Here, each of us does one thing, and we have to nail it every time. Christmas tree just has to stand there, all festive. Merry christmas! It's still september, Tim! And princesses... I am so pretty. They just gotta wear their crowns and keep their hair comb. We are so pretty. Devil, Poop, Thumbs Up, they just show up and they're good to go. But for the faces, the pressure is on. Cryer always has to cry, even if he just won the lottery. Hurray, i'm a millionaire! Laugher's always laughing, even if he's just broken his arm. Ahh!! Ah! I can see the bone!! Ah ah ah ah ah... And me, i'm a meh. So I gotta totally be over it all the time, you know? Like meh, who cares. Which is not as easy as it sounds. I gotta be mehhhhhhhhh I GOTTA! Be! Mehhhhhhhhh. Morning, Mrs. D, I see you have the little minis with ya! Oh, they're so... Cute! NYAH, SO ADORABLE, I CAN'T TAKE IT! I WILL NEVER GET THEM TO SLEEP! STICK TO YOUR ONE FACE, WEIRDO. OLE! OLE! OH NO! OH NO! It's hard to only act blasé. When, living in Textopolis is.... Just so exciting! Hello, good simeans! Those are some sharp attaches! Yes, well we have business to attend to. What kind of business? Monkey business. Ha ha ha ha, I sounded british. Meh... Oh, that was really good.. Meh? Meh... Meh ha ha... What the freak ya doing there, mate? Practicing. Today is my first day on the phone. Oh, droit. I'm gonna be so.. Meh. What are you going to do? Blah! Me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie! Woo! Puh-zow! Gooday, mate! Hey, konichiwa! Sorry emoticons!! Oh, I hate knocking over the elderly.. Let me help, let me help... Oh, my colon!!! Ducks... Hey, is that the time? HEY, my eyes are up here, pal! Woo ooh hoo! Woo hoo! Right on time! And last week, Alex sent me next to THIS text! Huh? Huh? HA HA HA THAT ELEPHANT PISSED HIMSELF HA HA HA AH HAH HA HAH HAH UH HUH HUH why are YOU laughing, freak? Ho ho ha ha ha! Now, unlike me, my parents are total pros. Gene, please tell me you weren't laughing just now. Gene so help me I swear oh, he was, I remember. Let's go see if you can get it right. I have some bad news, Gene, and i'm afraid that you'll have the wrong reaction. Ok, what's the wrong reaction? Anything other than meh. Come on! I don't want to be late! I'm not letting you go to work today. Wait, WHAT? You're just not ready, son. Come on!! Working in a cube is an Emoji's whole purpose in life! Everybody my age is working on the phone except for me! Oh sweetie, that's not true. Ow! YEAH! I'm going to work on the phone and I'm only ten! That's because I believe in you! Should we wash our hands? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We're number two! We're number two! See? I, I know i'm different, ok? But, I need to... I can be meh... I just... Want to be a working emoji, you know, like... Everybody else... And then... I would finally fit in, you know? Ah, you fit in, honey. No I don't, mom. I never have. But I could change all that if you just let me! Just give me a chance! But what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face? No dad, i'll make the right face! Look! Meh? You're so handsome when you make that face. I think he's ready, Mel. Meh. Come on, dad. Let me prove it to you. If you really think you're ready... YES! Yes I am! I promise I won't let you down! Wow! Congratulations, everyone! What an exciting day for all of you! Oh, it's really her! Oh, pizza! First day on the job, hi, hi! Don't be nervous! I won't bite! Hi, i'm Smiler! Ho ho ho ho ho... DON'T TOUCH ME! Hi! I mean.. Hey.. As you know, i'm Smiler, i'm the system supervisor here, because I was the original emoji. Here's how it works. It's nothing fancy! Wait a minute... It's really fancy! You each have your own cube on the emoji bar! If Alex chooses you, should you be so lucky, your cube will light up! It's showtime! The scanner will scan you, and that scan will get sent right up to Alex's text box. And let me tell you guys, there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time. A har, you're gonna love it. Now over here is the favorites section, where you'll find all the most popular emojis. And of course, you'll find my cube here. Whoo. You are smooth. Just doing my duty. Ha ha ha! What did I say? Come on, tell me you aren't just a little bit tempted? Steven, for the last time, I don't want to buy a timeshare. Come on, man, it's Hi-5! You know me! I'm a favorite! Alex hasn't picked you in weeks. When he stops picking you, you're no longer a favorite. There's gotta be some sort of mistake, I mean, look at me, i'm an attractive, hand-giving Hi-5! Oh! Fistbump! Come on in! Hey, ladies! FISTBUMP? He's a knucklehead! Literally! Look at him, I can look like that! Ugh, ow, cramp.. Big mistake.. Oh... Help me.. Help up a hand.. Oh... Here you go... Thanks mate... Hey, little man, how about you create a distraction, and i'll just slip under the rope! Uh, oh, is someone lost? Smiler, hiya, just leaving. Yeah, you know, just killing time before I go back to my cube in the far corner where Alex can't even See Me ANYMORE! You may not be a favorite anymore, but you will always have a place, in a cube! Yeah, in the nosebleeds... Uh, i'm standing right here? Words hurt. The most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself... Basically, happy itself... I am always smiling... Places, please! Emojis to your cubes! Attention, we've got incoming! Gotta be meh, gotta be meh. Oh my gosh, my own cube! I can't believe it... Oh, I could put a plant over here, and over here could go an inspirational calendar, okay, gotta be meh... Look at our son get on there, i'm beaming... With pride! You don't think he'll actually get picked, do you? Hieroglyphics. Hieroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms. Does that remind anyone of anything. Hello. A language of pictures... Anyone? Early hieroglyphics back in ancient... I gotta reply to Addie's text! What should I write? Nothing! Nothing? Words aren't cool. Ok, be cool, be cool... Alright, Alex is not sure how he wants to play this... Oh! I would really love it to be me! Beam me up! Beam me up! I need thumbs up on standby! Oh yeah! Thumbs up is going in! Wait! Alex is changing his mind! He's moving! Ok, looks like it's gonna be meh... I'm so nervous, I could almost shrug. We are go for meh! Initiating scan! Okay, you can do this. Ah! I can't do this! I can't do it! Stop the scan! I can't, it's too late! Oh! What's he doing? He's making the wrong face! Good for him, little... Wait, what? Ugh. Abort, abort! Oh, shi... Shut it down, shut it down! Ah! What is that emoji? All the emojis present, evacuate the cube! Evacuate the cube! I gotta get out of here! I'm trying! Oh, jeez. Sorry, everybody. That is not what I meant to do! I kinda.. I kinda panicked.. Are you even a meh at all? Uh, who, me? Like you are, is a malfunction! A malfunction? No, I can be meh, just give me one more chance? You know what would be really fun? A board meeting, where we can find out what to do with you! I just wanted to be useful, you know, fit in! Now everybody's calling me a malfunction. I am a malfunction. Even if you
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39 Comments
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:04pm 
Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! And us! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! Hey, what happened, Gene? Slap me some skin! And a little orange for the pinky! Hey Hi-5! Save a little hand for later! Unless you know the hamburger! Back on top of the hand pile! You're not on the list! Wait, what? What's going on? Ha! From now on, everyone is welcome! Wait, what is all this? It's for you, Gene! Everybody! The emoji bob! This is so jazzy... Go eggplant! Go eggplant! Go eggplant! We are out of Alex's pocket, emojis! This is not a butt dial! To your cubes! Are we up and running? Roger that. Good, because we got incoming! Looks like it's gonna be Gene. Hey Gene, ready to try out your new cube? In 3, 2...
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:04pm 
And do you. Hi-5! I don't want to wave goodbye! It's now or never, Gene! Jailbreak, now! Woah! She got this emoji! No way! Hey, I got your text! That's one super cool emoji! I know, right? A lot of feelings in one! I get it! I like that you're one of those guys who actually expresses feelings! Yeah, that's me! So, do you think you cou- Yes, i'd love to go to the dance with you. We made it! Oh, I could have lost you, Peter Pinky Finger... Oh, you wretchy ring finger, even you, Tiberius Thumb... Change your mind? Yeah, maybe it's weird, but i'm going to hold onto it. Gene, you did it! You saved us all! Oh, Mel... Gee hee eene! Gee hee hee heene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene!
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:03pm 
I might be able to bypass the wipe and get a text through to him. But we'll only have time to send one. Maybe I should go! He has love in his eyes. Send me! Alex looks nervous, too! He's more shy than nervous! Stop! It's Gene. He's all of those things! Emojis should only be one thing! Oh, really? Gasp the princess! Linda? Not now, mom! Gene, you got this. That's not me anymore. But I have to try. It's starting! No! It's ending! Almost in? Working on it! Mom? Dad? No.. I'm in! Last time I was in this cube I screwed everything up. Gene, why do you think I came back? It's because of you. Me. It's all inside of you, Gene. Just try to bring it back.
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:03pm 
I was wrong, Gene. I should have believed in you all along. Oh, what a touching daddy son reunion moment! It reminds me of the time I deleted you both! Oh wait! That's this time! Delete the two malfunctions! How's that for an entr... oof oh, great. I can't reach! Oh no! What did you do to my beautiful monst- Ow, my tooth! Hand, button! Jailbreak? Oh, Gene... You really are a meh... What happened to looking out for number one? Being number one doesn't matter if there aren't any other numbers. Alex's appointment! He's deleting the phone! Nononono no no no no! Show me Alex. Are you sure you want to delete everything? Do it! Red alert! Alex, no! Game over. Fellas, i'm afraid this is the last call. Dude, Addie's here. You should go over. Every time I try, I screwed up! I don't even know how to tell her how I feel! If we help Alex connect to Addie, maybe he won't delete us.
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:03pm 
You tell anyone you saw this and I'll crack more than those knuckles. Woah. Birds do like princesses! It's not a myth! It's not a myth at all! What happened with becoming a favorite? Because i'd rather have one real friend. Let's go get him. I can't wait to see that emoji's face! Look at that expression! Is that for realizing that you've put all of Textopolis at risk? Causing Alex to question our reliability? Hmm? Hey, now that's going too far, even for me! If we could delete this malfunction, before he gets disappointed, Alex will realize there's nothing wrong with the phone. And any last words? Meh. Well, it's too late for that. Delete him! Wait! You delete Gene, you'll have to delete me, too. What? I have the same malfunction Gene has. Dad? Oh gosh, I don't know what to do! Yes I do! BOTS! Sorry, mrs. Meh. Wow. I did not see that one coming. Smiler, I think you might be making too much stink out of all this. Oh really? How about you're next?
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:03pm 
Gene, if this is about you deciding not to be meh, then, I am all about that. I like you just the way you are, but I had a plan. Right. I'm not just some princess, Gene, waiting for my prince. I mean, uh, what you said was beautiful, but, Gene... Ha ha ha! You're all... Meh! The source code worked! Turns out I didn't need it. For the first time in life, meh is all I feel. Oh! Gene! I have an appointment. I'm a little early. No prob. I can take you right now. Jailbreak! Ah! Don't do that! That freaking huge bot has got Gene back inside the phone! What? He left being more meh than the meh-est meh face i've seen! What did you say to him? It's what I didn't say. We gotta go get him. How are we going to get there in time before he gets deleted? Ugh.. I can't believe i'm doing this.
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:03pm 
And pinky. Pop it with the pinky. Pop it with the pinky. Yeah, but this all seems kinda super fast now, doesn't it? I didn't expect to be having these feelings right now. Well, maybe you should go and express them while you still can. So, uh, i've been thinking, um, ever since we. Jailbreak, you're the coolest, most interesting emoji i've ever met. And, after all the adventures that we've had, i'm just not sure that I want all of that to go away. Because, my feelings, right now, are, like, huge. I just think that they could be enough for me to want to stay the way that I am. If it means that I could stay here, with you, like, forever. Forever and ever. And ever. Maybe longer than that, even? Like in the fairy tales. Uh... Wait, wuh, what is that?
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:02pm 
I got it! Addie! Yes! Yes, that's it, Addie! I knew i'd get there! Dear Addie, you and I, we are like diamonds in the sky. You're a shooting star I see. A vision, ecstasy. Shining bright like a diamond. He used a high-five, see? Guess now we know why he trashed it. Ooh, shade. Guys, should we try this? Addie! Access granted. Oh snap. This place, is, amazing. Wow, I can't believe it. Woah. One little emoji could sure get lost in a place like this. I... I guess we should, make you, a meh before that bot comes back home. Oh, oh, so we're gonna do that now. We had a deal, right? Yeah, okay. Right. I, uh, guess i'll start hacking. Ha! We did it, Gene! All our dreams are coming true! I'll be Alex's favorite again, and you'll be a real meh! Ha ha, yeah! Do the hand dance. Do the hand dance.
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:02pm 
I don't get it! We've tried all of the important things in Alex's life! His favorite pet, his sport, his favorite grandma... I'm sorry, Gene. I let us all down. Now, if I had to come up with a password, I'd probably use the name of a girl I like. I've been all over the phone! He's never mentioned a girl. Yes he has! Hi. When I was in the trash, I read a very interesting email, but, i'm just a dunce, in the corner, forbidden to speak... What email? Sorry, what? What email? Uh, took it out, at school, he was declaring his feelings of love for her, I guess instead of sending it he tossed it in the trash. Hi-5, this is very important. What is her name? Her name, yes! Excellent question. It... Was... Tina. Karen. Marge. Lint, Lindsay. Ack, Allison. Sarah, or, Lupita. I want to say Lupita, but that doesn't feel right, now i'm saying it out loud. Ugh.. Gotta find that email, I think I can access the trash.
blank 8 Jun, 2018 @ 2:02pm 
Oh, this is why! I see why now! I'd better not see that candy corn again! We made it! You guys, chill. We still have to get past... That. Oh... Shaw. Welcome to the firewall, how may I help you? Alright, here goes! What should I do? Sit in the corner, and don't say a word. Keep those soft fingers to yourself. Yes, your majesty, princess of nightmares! Now Gene, step onto the password icon, and i'll feed you the passwords. Okay. Okay. Ten, eleven, two thousand and two. Ten, eleven, two thousand and two. Ow. Cough. Access denied. Okay, try a different expression. Is it going to blast me every time I messed up? Yeah, kind of. What do you mean kind of? Ready? Welcome to the firewall. His favorite food. Chimichangas! Chimichangas? Ow. Access denied. Huh. This might take a while. Oh boy. Krav maga! Krav maga. Major lazer! Major lazer. What did I do now? Ow. Skate, or die! Access denied. Denied. Denied. Denied.