1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence
possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
together. ARTHUR raises his hand.

ARTHUR
Whoa there!

SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR
peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle
battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.

SOLDIER
Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!

Pause.

SOLDIER
Get away!

ARTHUR
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER
What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR
Yes!

SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR
...What?

SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
them together.

ARTHUR
(Scornfully)
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR
Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR
What do you mean?

SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR
Why not?

SOLDIER
I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
to find a coconut under a pound.


ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple
matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not
hold a a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that
Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER
Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
second. right?

ARTHUR
(irritated)
Please!

SOLDIER
Am I right?

ARTHUR
I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER
(who has loomed up on the battlements)
It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER
Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
swallow. that's my point.

SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes, I agree there ...

ARTHUR
(losing patience)
Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
of Camelot?!

FIRST SOLDIER
But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes.

ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn
and go off into the mist.

FIRST SOLDIER
So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

SECOND SOLDIER

Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

FIRST SOLDIER
No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Stillness. Silence again.


2 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION

CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints. Sounds of
strange medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and
groanings. The last picture mixes through into live action.
BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across
it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to
reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart
that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of
ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. Behind the cart walks another
MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale
of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and
looks sinister.

CART DRIVER
Bring out your dead!

We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden
village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.
In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of
legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN
is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.
The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN
tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with
huge mallets.

CART DRIVER

Bring out your dead!

There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting
in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his
hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch
sight of a MAN falling into a well.

CART DRIVER
Bring out your dead!

LARGE MAN
Here's one!

CART DRIVER
Ninepence.

BODY
I'm not dead!

CART DRIVER
What?

LARGE MAN
Nothing... There's your ninepence.

BODY
I'm not dead!

CART DRIVER
'Ere. He says he's not dead.

LARGE MAN
Yes he is.

BODY
I'm not!

CART DRIVER
He isn't.

LARGE MAN
He will be soon. He's very ill.

BODY
I'm getting better!

LARGE MAN
You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

CART DRIVER
I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.

BODY
I don't want to go on the cart.

LARGE MAN
Don't be such a baby.

CART DRIVER
I can't take him.

BODY
I feel fine.

LARGE MAN
Do me a favour.

CART DRIVER
I can't.

LARGE MAN
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't
be long.

CART DRIVER
I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine
today.

LARGE MAN
When's your next round?

CART DRIVER
Thursday.

BODY
I think I'll go for a walk.

LARGE MAN
You're not fooling anyone you know.
(to CART DRIVER)
Isn't there anything you could do?

BODY
(singing unrecognisably)
I feel happy... I feel happy.

The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both
do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER
very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot
but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

LARGE MAN
(handing over the money at last)
Thanks very much.

CART DRIVER
That's all right. See you on Thursday.

They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching
forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to
the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After
they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.

LARGE MAN
Who's that then?

CART DRIVER
(Grudgingly)
I dunno, Must be a king.

LARGE MAN
Why?

CART DRIVER
He hasn't got ♥♥♥♥ all over him.


3 EXTERIOR - DAY

ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the
distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying
to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and
PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT

ARTHUR
Old woman!

DENNIS
Man!

ARTHUR
Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle
over there?

DENNIS
I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR
What?

DENNIS:
I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

ARTHUR:
Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'

DENNIS
Well you could say: "Dennis"

ARTHUR
I didn't know you were called Dennis.

DENNIS
You didn't bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR
I've said I'm sorry about

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