I'm not gay, but my ♥♥♥♥ is.

I think everyone knows by now that the easiest way to get a snail to stop coming in your house is to flip it over and suck its ♥♥♥♥.



Hear me out.



Carry a spatula around and when you see one, slip in onto its back. They're surprisingly docile once they;re in that position. Then, all you need to do is gently press on the abdomen to retract its penis. It will be small; approximately the size of a thin pencil eraser. Use the tip of your tongue to manipulate it to full erection, then suck with your lips until it ejaculates; usually 30-45 minutes later. If you don't feel the rush of semen, you will know by its antenna scratching playfully at your face when it gets oversensitive afterwards. The main trick is not to swallow the semen. Trust me, I know it will be tempting. But no, pick up the snail and let him outside, then drool its ejaculate material near the entrance to your house. Snails are highly promiscuous, and its semen mixed with your saliva will signal him to move on to another house. Snails do NOT like to get their ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ by the same person.