I'm basically just a god among men. The kind of guy who spills lemonade at a restaurant and genuinely feels bad about it so I clean it up with my all-powerful penis, all while smiling like I’m doing the world a favour. I never misplace a sock. I always have exact change. I speak German... in French. People are constantly telling me I’m the funniest person they've ever met, but I'm usually too busy fighting off malicious viruses for the good of humanity to even acknowledge the compliment.

I always have the answer, but sometimes I hold back because, hey, I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t just know the answer; I know how to make everyone else feel like they thought of it too. My catchphrases? Yeah, people pick those up, but I don’t mind everyone stealing my lines I'll just come up with something even more epic tomorrow.

I can spit into the wind and walk away dry. I count my chickens before they hatch, and with that number, I could paint a mural of the meaning of life. I can lick my own elbow (go ahead, try it, chump couldn’t do it, could you? Yeah, you’re no me, that’s for sure).

And yeah, my name is traditionally a Jewish name, but that doesn’t stop me from dunking on a full-sized basketball hoop... while eating pork.