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Holy Diver is an Autobiography

13 July, 2014 - Obelix | 2 Comments

Ronnie James Dio may have been born last in line but that didnt stop him from becoming the holy diver of metal and shining like a rainbow in the dark. His music made people stand up and shout as it weant straight through the heart of his rock and roll children. Lock up the wolves, strange highways, hungry for heaven, man on a silver mountian, shame on the night, dream evil. Enough with the song references. When Dio was young growing up in the ghettos of hell (not as bad as detroit) he heard metal for the first and ironically described it as angelic. However he could not find a way to get to the surface of earth to make his own metal that would shape generations of music to come. But when he found out his last name Dio means holy stromboli in italian he felt compelled to live up to his name and its orgins for to have earned the name holy stromboli his ancestor must have accomplished some amazing feat (guy ate the only stromboli in hell( Ronnie was dissapointed to find out his names origin). So Dio challenged satan to a rock off unfortunately he was busy so he had go against his daughter, towards the end Ronnie realized he was losing the fight and threw his guitar at her at wich point her tooth fell out Dio grabbed it and dove up to earth (holy diver)(also totally didnt rip off of tenacious D) no one knew how he dove upward but he did it. Upon arriving on earth mecha Jesus gave Dio the ability resonate kick ass music through all who performed alongisde him, this was a gift for besting satans daughter (mecha Jesus's ex girlfriend/cousin). DIo then dedicated his life to his music making 3 billion songs on 9 billion albums with 90 bagillion record sales (according to forbes) and changing rock n roll and metal forever. When Dio died at the age of infinitti the sky gods began creating more lightning in his honor and civil unrest around the world rose 50000000000000% because of a lack of Dio, Also the first chirch of dio was founded in Mecca and all of the islamic inhabitants have since converted to Dioism the only true religion of the one true god. And according to some sources there is now an extra realm added onto the whole heaven and hell thing called metalhalla which is a refuge in the afterlife for all metalheads except for emos because noone understands them.

This concludes my article on the holy diver/holy stromboli Ronnie James Dio.
Long live DIo.

10th Crusade

29 June, 2014 - Obelix | 4 Comments

A caliphate that encompasses parts of iraq and syria was founded recently by a jihadi group called Isis (♥♥♥♥♥♥♥(bad muslims)(not that theres good ones). In case you dont know what a caliphate it is an outdated system of government similar to pirate ninja republic still used today by kenya inwich the leader (essentially a king) is said to be the rightful inheritor of Muhammed (the boxxer) this also means that all muslims should pledge there allegiance to the caliph. Now the important part, the Pope has for a very long time enjoyed being the only living religious figurhead that all who follow should bow to (and first pick on choir boys). Now there is somebody else (whose ♥♥♥♥ is probably bigger since arabs are kinda blackish) that is threatening his levels of piety (and choir boy choice) and with another religous figurehead leading a rival religion and with his own vast empire the size of this article action must be taken. (Star Wars music) 10TH CRUSADE!!!!!.With the abundance of natural resources (totally not oil) such as petroliuem (nailed it) to sell to overprivilaged fat people in america the way God Jesus and George Bush intended it to be could bring prosperity to Autocratic Pious DIctatorship of Vatican City and once again allow for catholicization of the holy land (chicken fingers). When i presented the caliph (Mickey Mouse bin Ladin) with this information to get is opinion he said and i quote "ackaflemhegderghubgtopbnuagenfelmackmed" which i think is polish for i heart jesus. So soon our kings will be conscripting us to go fight a holy war against the enemies of who are also the sons and followers of our god. In an extremely justifiable and totally not stupid ( or communist) way we will shed our blood and die like swine in the name of the lord the father and casper the ghost, for about 100 square feet of land so the pope has oil to sell to fat people because the our savior ♥♥♥♥ Cheney said so "And all who are not impoverished may receive gods(Space Obama(like regular obama but white because he was more succesful) gift of liquid gold" cheney verse 9.672 paragraph Q line lowercase 7 ". Now we wait and see how the papalcy will see this one through but dont be shocked if a crusade happens and next thig you know your stabbing arabs with a broadsword. while getting shot it with assault rifles.
If you didnt find this humorous (which you probably didnt since the guy who wrote this is jewish) read the actual article by using the link below. herehttp://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/6ec4fd4c-ff5c-11e3-8a35-00144feab7de.html#axzz363LG1rw1