SOBRE The Worshipers of the mighty Raptor Jesus

Ignore the Group Name... That guy's a ♥♥♥♥

ALL HAIL PLULAX

Secret President of the United States and also Puerto Rico. Space Demon of the Second Order. Vanquisher of Raptor Jesus. Co-Prince of Andorra.

"Oh Great Plulax, we thank you. We thank you for saving us from the Raptor, for guiding us from damnation, and for honoring us with your great glory. You are our rock, our sunshine, our day-to-day. All we do, we do for you, and so it shall be for eternity." -Holy Hymn of the Plulaxians

Welcome my Children, to this most holy of flocks. It is I, Jeremy, Pontiff of the Highest Order. I shall be your guide on this journey to enlightenment, Through me, you shall bear witness to the greatest of all beings - Plulax. Through him, we shall tear the space-time continuum a new ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and plunge this and every planet into an unparalleled hellscape over which he shall rule. Oh how glorious it will be.

Now come my children, join the Plulaxians. Merge with me, so that we might spread light throughout the universe.

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Plulax - How to Serve Your New and All-Powerful Overlord

22 de Maio de 2017 - Vorpal Schlorp | 0 comentários

Hello, My disgraceful underlings, it is I - Jeremy, Pontiff of the Highest Order.
If you are hearing this message, then CONGRATULATIONS, you have successfully survived 52 separate church-wide purges! And that's no easy task. I killed so many ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ people. Like so many people. I swear these robes weren't red when I got 'em.
However, don't mistake your survival as kindness. No, if I had it my way, I would've continued to paint these temple walls with blood and viscera for an eternity. But alas, it appears that you all are not entirely useless to my lord, and it is for that reason alone you remain. You see, my master has many, many tasks to complete. Tasks perfect for dumb, pitiful, sheep such as yourselves. So here I am, his humble servant, ready to instruct you in the ways of our Glorious Lord - PLULAX!

The first thing you must know about Plulax is that he is quite unlike your previous deity. He is far greater, and far more powerful, than any raptor could even claim to be. As such, there will be no more of this "liver collecting." Plulax requires no mortal meat for sustenance. You will instead be set on the task of soul collection in Plulax's name. You have already been sent the Plulaxian Soul Siphon, a $70 value, for only the cost of your eternal servitude. To use the Plulaxian Soul Siphon, simply follow these 3 easy steps.
1. Locate an unsuspecting pedestrian
2. Follow them back to their home
3. Wait until nightfall, and sneak inside after them
4. Plunge the Plulaxian Soul Siphon deep into one of their eye sockets
5. Stand back and watch as state-of-the-art soul siphoning technology goes to work
6. Repeat steps 1-5 on the rest of their family
Each Plulaxian will be required to siphon at least 400 souls a month should they wish to keep living.

Secondly, it must be known that Plulax is the greatest of all beings, and shall therefore go unquestioned. If one should feel the desire to question the word of Plulax, he or she shall be killed instantly, and his or her soul will be siphoned without hesitation.

Lastly, it must be known that Plulax has granted me - Jeremy, Pontiff of the Highest Order - the honor of being his mortal avatar. As such, all respects granted to Plulax, including, but not limited to: undying devotion, unquestioning loyalty, and unlimited blowjobs, shall also be granted to me. Anyone who does not treat me as they would treat Plulax shall be killed instantly, and their soul will be siphoned without hesitation.

That is all the instruction you will receive today, but do not worry, more demands will soon follow. Now go my underlings. Harvest your souls, and worship your new lord of everything. In the glorious name of Plulax, I leave you.

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Sad News Indeed

12 de Janeiro de 2016 - Vorpal Schlorp | 1 comentários

Greetings fellow worshippers, it is I, the lowest of high priests. I have rather sad news for you all today, sad news indeed. It is clear to me now that the disappearance of our brave and valiant leader was no simple accident. No, certain events that have recently transpired, have led me to conclude the exact opposite- it was a planned and well-orchestrated abduction. It appears as if someone is trying to systematically take down our glorious organization. Attempting, for lack of a better phrase, to cleave the head clear off the raptor, and watch as, in its final moments of life, it flails upon a fresh mound of its own ♥♥♥♥, spewing blood and viscera in all directions before collapsing for good. The second-, third-, fourth-, and fifth-highest of high priests have all already failed to report in to the real secret temple, and their testicular-ly integrated tracking devices have all been discovered in garbage cans across the nation. I alone remain- the last of the high priests.
As of yet there are no leads on who the perpetrator(s) of this heinous crime is(are), but I have several guesses on the matter. The top suspects are the Russian mob, who’s been out for blood after we stole their bullions last winter, and the Yakuza, who still haven’t forgiven us for that one time we traded them fake blow for sushi. However, these are again, only my best guesses. We’ve so far failed to gather any real proof, on account of the fact that everyone at the secret temples has been running through the cocaine reserves since day one.
Yet, I have no doubt in my mind that his Scaliness will soon reveal to us the hidden identities of these heathens, so that we might purge them form this, and all other seven, dimensions. Until that time, we shall not falter, we shall not fall, we will rise above th… Hey, what are you doing here? The announcement room is for high priests only, intrusion on which is punishable by either whipping, or death by whipping. Wait a sec… It’s you? What are you doing here? How are you even in this temple, you aren’t even supposed to know where it is! And why in raptor’s name do you have a dagger? And why is it bloody? And why are you raising it at me? And, OH GAWD, why do you have an ERECTION? Wait! You’re the one whose been doing all this! Oh you traitorous bastard! I’ll have your ♥♥♥♥ for this! My fellow worshippers, I know who the killer is! It’s… It’s… AGGHGGHGHGHGGGAGHGH!!!!
….
Hello Fellow Worshippers, it is I, Jeremy.

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