You Have just entered a pub at 3 in the morning against your better judgement. Instantly you
notice...you have fd up.
As you enter the hero select screen you notice it... The guy with a meme name screaming for mid
spamming the chat with a speed not thought possible without macros. And then off in the distance corner of the screen you see it. The whole team picked agility carries, with a techies and meepo thrown in for good measure. Within the all too fast 2 minutes of the hero selection screen you may
have lost hope. Que the match starting, nobody buys courier and everyone runs down middle lane,
one guy lags out right away and reconnects; The other guy goes to the enemy jungle and gives first blood within record time. You got your items and went for your lane, hoping someone would join and at least not yell at you as they feed. The moment the minions make it to lane you lose all hope as your laning partner rushes into the enemy wave and enemies dying, and then screaming what you can only imagine is insults at you since they dont speak english. DID I MENTION nobody speaks english. Their names are english but theres no hope of communication. Your phantom assasin mid has died to mid tower 2 minutes in and you know you wont be getting any ganks to help your lane. Your top lane has already lost tower and disconnected, there is one silent player up there trying...You hold hope that he is your ally in this dark abyss.

Suddenly your twenty minutes in
You've lost all but your t1 towers and racks. The techies has mines in random spots in the jungle in the shape of ♥♥♥♥♥ and swasticas. The laggy guy keeps reconnecting as its just about to be safe to leave, taunting you like a candy pop infront of a child in a store. The enemy team is bragging about how good they are despite the fact your meepo is 4-22. Your one ally has given up hope and started buying couriers in the base and you can hear what you think is sobbing over the microphone. He has fallen do not attempt to rally them. Youve muted the guy spamming russian in the chat as you are now fluent in russian insults and recognize them as they come. Somehow the meepo is in the enemy bases trees stuck and spamming all chat for someone to end him. You have mantained a barely negative score but feel as if you brough this match upon yourself and failed. After 72 minutes of grueling self hatred guilt and tears your match ends. Half your team spams the chat to report you and themselves for whatever reason. The enemy team pitys you briefly and apologizes, if your lucky. Its over... you hover over the delete local content in steam but think...not today

Despite the last match described above you start another but this time you know what to do

• Get drinks, yes plural your gonna be here over an hour.
  
• Make sure they are strong, you dont want to remember this.
  
• Get the tissues for your inevitable tears.
  
• The match has started, pick whatever you want to play since they are either gonna instant lock
  or wait till the last second anyways.
  
• Plan your route of demise, where do you want to die and who with.
  
• Find a nice video to play in the steam browser since youl be dead roughly a quarter of the match
  
• Mute your teams microphones, they are snorting cocaine and screaming gibberish over the mic.
  
• Smoke em if u got em.
  
• Prepare for ritual suicide following the end of the match.
  
• Dont think, dont try to reason with anyone.
  
• Play as if you had passive bots on your team and try to pratice those moves.
  
• Buy wards, they dont care where you put them they just want to complain about them.
  
• Literally give up on winning, its not worth the pain even if you manage it.
  
• Beg that the enemy gives you a swift death, you dont want to remember this 5 years from now in therapy, if your gonna be tortured ask for it to be swift but dont admit total defeat.
  
• Enjoy the game, ignore any urge to try to win or push down as a team, just pick them off in the teamfights to make yourself feel better about your kd ratio. Try to save the crying anti mage in the corner, silently sobbing to himself is it over yet? is it over yet?
  
• Play along with their cocaine filled screaming dillusions as best you can, if you cant beat em join em, but dont feed lest you be reported along with them.
  
• Go along with everything, if you feel hatred or anger towards your feeding incoherent screaming team you have failed. Simply burn to death with the rest of the building fighting on your way down.
  
• If they want to do roshan 45 minutes in while its warded and the whole enemy team is up help them damnit, at least they cant yell at you for helping when you all die.
  
• make your account private or they will ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ you in every language and even add you for some reason sometimes.

Finally, accept your death and ride the burning waves of agony for the next hour as you get ready to cry yourself to sleep.
Nifty video on the 5 stages of acceptance