Hi all, I am being forced under gun point by scantily dressed men, demanding that I advertise their Roman clan. I have been told to utter this script, which they have bluntly shoved into my palms, with refusal likely resulting in some illicit, insidious repercussion to take place. Here is the script as written by my SPQR overlords; “Ave, fellw Roman soldier, we ar hear to convrt all Mordhau player into joining our clan. We are held in the country Oceania and are look for new recruit to join. If you are not from the country Oceania, that is ok, just move country and join, simples. Luv Vet.” Well there you have it all, words written straight from the wordsmiths who congregate at SPQR headquarters, they truly are an academic bunch.

We are SPQR, Oceania’s second largest Mordhau clan and we aim to emulate the Roman cultural and apparel aesthetic. What is our goal you ask? Why to sodomise children, horses, and men. We are also regarded as the most flamboyant and respected clan in Mordahu, filled with some of the most normal, insightful, wise and humble members. Why one of our hinged members is photographed outside of a school, doesn’t he look magnificent?

Before the rainbow coloured guild of SPQR begins it’s advertising campaign in earnest, it will be wise to reiterate SPQR’s values, depicting them in a simplistic fashion. The groups values are simple, they uphold the age old Welsh tradition of animal husbandry with humans, the value of teaching your adopted Asian children discipline with the paddle, movie night and the idea of emphasize with slaves from the Roman era by effectively being a slave yourself. Now that SPQR’s values have been documented it is time to advance into the genuine reasons of why you should join the most illustrious clan in the verdant realm of Mordhau.

We rule with an iron fist particularly against DEUS, non comp players or anyone else who we deem beneath us. In this way, we function as a clan with an iron will, an amicable, albeit stern community who all will love. As quoted by our glorious leader, Vetinarix, “Once you join SPQR, you never really ‘leave’.” Instead, it is insinuated by Vetinarix, that instead of abandoning or fleeing the clan you are placed under duress and forced to produce guides for those who are linguistically unable to develop comprehensive or even remotely literate texts, that will then be used amass populist support.

Due to SPQR’s social incompetence, leading to their inability to scour the world and discover a willing mate, they are unable to reproduce. As such, the majority of SPQR’s members have sought alternative means, particularly adoption from regions such as Korea and Japan. However, due to frequent frustration, derived from losing in Mordhau, these sadists have have discovered that the children themselves are a perfectly viable way to vent their once repressed insecurities. Whenever a SPQR member is beaten in Mordhau, they can be often heard in Discord calls, unzipping their pants and promptly belting their adopted child, who can often be heard screaming, “나는 내 엄마를 원해”. If you are skeptical that our clan does not possess the will or courage to teach discipline to our acquired faux children, then observe the image below. Here we espy a player, asking a seemingly innocent query, which was then greeted by Torvk, a notable SPQR member slyly reporting and punishing him for his insolence. This refusal to respond to the inquiry simultaneously intertwined with a desire to silence the man reveals one thing, that the innocuous query bears merit and possesses a fragment of truth.

We are known as the stalwart protectors of all Mordhau servers, we patrol the perimeter, attempting to discern any trolls or those who intend to have fun with the game. Any who attempt to play in a way that we dislike will be swiftly and brutally punished. By purchasing this game you sign a contract, you are not entitled to have fun, you are not entitled to play how you want to, no instead you are destined to engage in line battles and Roman roleplay. Refusal to do so will entail a mute or ban from our servers and possibly in Official servers if we deem that you are acting with arrogance and a negative demeanour.


This has been neglected so far, but the guardians of Mordhau's looming gates frequently engage in upholding justice. Often, we encounter rowdy dissenters, who attempt to undermine our glorious leader Vetinarix, by masquerading as him and sprouting un Roman propaganda, tarnishing SPQR's fame and reputation. When events such as these arise, often our leader himself, graces the offender with a personal 'visit' to ensure that future 'disagreements' don't occur. Some may refer to it as intimidation, but we here at SPQR know resolutely that this is justice's finest portrayal.

Often while playing Mordhau, members of SPQR, for all their hard work and dedication receive frequent abuse, so much so that they have to conceal their identity. This is what happens to heroes I suppose, they receive no thanks and little reward, only loathing. Alas, that is alright, for we at SPQR understand the responsibility and burden that we hold. As such, when encountering those who teamkill, beartrap or swear at SPQR members we are forced to react in a mature and responsible manner. Naturally, our leader Vetinarix bellows the war horn and summons the horde to mass report the offending Steam users’ profile, for being naughty in Mordhau.


Behold, an image displaying our valiant leader Vetinarix instructing the members of SPQR to converge on and mass report a Mordhau players Steam profile, for acting in an unsavoury manner towards the clan. This is ridiculous ow – oh haha, I mean rightfully so, how dare an individual commit any slight against this glorious and worldly renowned Mordhau group. Further images insinuating or outright depicting SPQR’s attempts at reporting are represented below.

We here at SPQR perceive ourselves as a government body and deem it necessary to urge our members to act in a specific way during times of crisis. We pride ourselves on making our members are safe. Whether this results in a restriction on there autonomy is irrelevant, for all else wanes in the name of safety.

One of our most hallowed activities that we here at SPQR regard as the most significant clan tradition is movie night. From 10PM to 2AM the denizens of SPQR all frolic together and observe in wonder, as our leader Vetinarix screen shares lovely movies such as Horse XXX or the movie Eragon. Just to reiterate movie night is not a brainwashing tool to incorporate members into being Vetinarixs’ unwitting slaves, but is instead designed to show that we here at SPQR are apart of a loving family. Jesus this is odd ow – I’m sorry, Vetinarix I didn’t mean it please don’t hurt me, I love movie night, it really is an integral component of playing Mordhau, don’t belt me again!

Vetinarix muses to himself day and night, conjuring up lyrics for his wonderful and unique SPQR anthem. After he composes his song, all the members of SPQR are then rounded up and forced to sing karaoke of said musical tune. Below, is an example of one of the finest and unique anthems which Vetinarix has wholly and without inspiration produced.

SPQR members all let us rejoice
For we are young and free
We've golden soil and wealth for toil
Our empire is girt by sea
Our stables abounds in nature's gifts
Of beauty, rich and rare
In history's page let every stage
Advance SPQR fair

In joyful strains then let us sing
Advance SPQR fair

Beneath our radiant Roman Eagle
We'll toil with hearts and hands
To make this Empire of ours
Renowned of all the lands
For those who've from Movie night
We've boundless plains to share
With courage let us all combine

To advance SPQR fair
In joyful strains then let us sing
Advance SPQR fair


Vetinarix writing the SPQR national anthem, circa 2020.

Many have attempted to reveal the learned ways of SPQR to the public, yet in every instance we have taken measures with extreme prejudice to silence these dissenters, with ruthless zeal. Often we dispatch a group of elite ‘gentlemen’ to deal with dissenters by reporting or sending a polite and sincere ‘message’ to the offender. In times of turmoil, when members band together and attempt to oppose us, most notably the clan DEUS, we are obliged to retaliate and are forced to spread propaganda and rumours, such as accusing DEUS of IP grabbing, doxing or other nefarious activities to tarnish the clans reputation. I would like to say with great pride and certainty, that these methods work exceptionally.

Remember that SPQR holds power, we hold influence and we hold sway. The moment you enter Mordhau the SPQR eagles will scrutinise and monitor your progress every second. They will listen to your heartbeat, they will attempt to glean slight variations in your speech to discern your mood and most significantly they will transform you into a subservient Roman. This just in, a member of SPQR would like to provide a warning. “Beware crossing the full might of SPQR, for we are strong and mighty, with repercussions swiftly appearing at your doorstep. Furthermore, I would like to provide a warning for the clan DEUS, cease your insolence, stop insulting the clan, quit swearing at us and most significantly refrain from placing bear traps underneath our tender legs. Oh and I nearly forgot, DEUS we know you reported our Discord group and got it banned for so called, ‘Zoophilia’, but just so you know that image was posted in the NSFW channel and a weirdo posted it so yeah, check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Remember all, if your rear is sore, then you’re likely in SPQR.

Rangerkins was never an agreeable girl
Her tongue tells tales of rebellion
But she was so fast
And quick with her bow
No one quite knew where she came from

Rangerkins was never quite the quietest girl
Her attacks are loud and they're joyful
But she knew the ways of nobler men
And she knew how to enrage them

She would always like to say
"Why change the past,
When you can own this day?"
Today she will fight
To keep her way
She's a rogue and a thief
And she'll tempt your fate

Rangerkins would always like to say
"Why change the past,
When you can own this day?"
Today she will fight
To keep her way
A rogue and a thief
And she'll tempt your fate

Rangerkins was never quite the wealthiest girl
Some say she lives in a tavern
But she was so sharp
And quick with bow
Arrows strike like a dragon

Rangerkins was never quite the gentlest girl
Her eyes were sharp like a razor
But she knew the ways of commoner men
And she knew just how to use them

She would always like to say
"Why change the past,
When you can own this day?"
Today she will fight
To keep her way
She's a rogue and a thief
And she'll tempt your fate

She would always like to say
"Why change the past,
When you can own this day?"
Today she will fight
To keep her way
She's a rogue and a thief
And she'll tempt your fate