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How Not To Be A Douche Bag (When Serving As Crew)

By Polarization

A brief guide on how not to be a douche bag when joining a crew.

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Polarization
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Category: Achievements, Characters, Classes, Co-op, Crafting, Game Modes, Gameplay Basics, Loot, Maps or Levels, Modding or Configuration, Multiplayer, Secrets, Story or Lore, Trading, Walkthroughs, Weapons, Workshop

Languages: English

Posted

Updated

22 Nov, 2022 @ 12:20pm

25 Jul, 2024 @ 1:49pm

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Guide Index

Overview

Foreword

Introduction To The Guidelines

Big Red Buttons

Big Stupid Cry Baby

Gung Ho Goober

Man Over Board

Barotrauma Prima Donna

Hoarding & Wastage

Litter Bug

Conduct Unbecoming Of An Officer And A Gentleman

Never Ever Move The Ship

But I Should Be Captain

Conclusion

Comments

Foreword

Greetings people of Earth, My name is Jean-Luc Picard but you will probably know me as Sir Patrick Stewart OBE from popular motion pictures and television programs such as Lifeforce and Moby ♥♥♥♥.

I have been asked by the people of the United States of America and the United Federation of Planets to urgently convey to you the proper form of behaviour expected of you by your Captain whilst serving as a member of Crew.

Alas it has been sadly noted that many crew members are failing to meet even the absolute minimum level of acceptable conduct of behaviour or due diligence required.

Therefore I believe it will behove all of you to please follow the below guidelines for the mutual benefit of all but especially that of your poor Captains, may God have mercy on their souls.

Introduction To The Guidelines

You will shortly be presented a guide with examples on how not to behave like a total douche bag over 10 easy chapters.

Hopefully these instructions will be clear enough for even the dullest to take on board fully and succinct enough even for those cursed with the shortest spans of attention.

This Don't Be A Douche Bag guide will from now on be referred to by the catchy and easy to remember abbreviation : DBADB
Which is correctly pronounced phonetically as follows : Dee - Bad - Bee

Now without further ado let us commence our journey together of discovery into the wonderful world of responsibility, accountability and morality.

Big Red Buttons

You have just joined as a new crew member, in this imaginary situation please answer truthfully if any of the below would be your first course of action ?

Run immediately to the nuclear reactor and start pressing buttons randomly causing a meltdown ?
Run immediately to the electrical coil discharge button and keep pressing it repeatedly electrocuting the diving party outside ?
Run immediately to the nuclear depth charge and press the release button causing a catastrophic explosion killing all souls onboard ?
Run immediately to the helm and click on every button while the captain is steering the ship causing him to impact an iceberg and rapidly sink to crush depth ?
Run immediately to the gunnery room and fire a nuclear tipped rail gun shell pointblank into the shuttle full of new recruits attempting to dock with the ship ?

If you answered yes to any of the above you have already failed the DBADB test and need to seriously reevaluate your life choices.

Simply don't press buttons to see what they do, pressing buttons is not mandatory it is optional and doing so could cause the catastrophic destruction of the ship and death of all serving members of the crew.

Ask first what buttons do before pressing them as it is better to remain curious and alive then allow temptation to take over and risk immediate court martial, death or worse.

Big Stupid Cry Baby

Don't join a crew and immediately announce to all your shipmates that you are a big stupid cry baby that's unable to do anything and can't find anything and therefore are totally useless.

Show your fellow crew and the Captain the minimal expected courtesy of first completing the incredibly short training provided and familiarise yourself with the controls so you are at least capable of performing basic tasks such as moving, picking things up and interacting with the world.

Nothing is going to gain contempt from your captain faster then you joining a ship and repeatedly asking asinine questions regarding fundamental concepts you should already know and crying about not having something you want.

Invariably to make matters worse you will probably be doing this at the most inappropriate times for example whilst the ship is currently experiencing a crisis involving rapidly sinking to the depths of the ocean, the nuclear reactor is exploding or the ship being under attack by hordes of aquatic monstrosities.

When you join a crew it is your responsibility to be reasonably competent with the basics of the class you have been assigned, and how, where and what you need to perform your duties on board a ship.

If you are unable or unwilling to achieve this absolute minimum level of responsibility yourself then just give up and play assistant.

Asking questions on things not covered in the tutorial or requesting mission critical items that are definitely not onboard already ( always use the item finder to check first yourself before crying for stuff ! ) at appropriate times is welcome and many experienced crew mates or the captain will be glad to help.

But people constantly joining and expecting others to babysit them and be talked through every little baby step and have their hand held by the captain can become rather tiresome and adversely effects the ship and everyone serving upon it.

Simply put the captain can't run a good ship crewed by babies for long, so don't be a douche baby educate yourself, be a little pro active and try to be somewhat self sufficient and please just make at least the minimum effort to be a semi functioning adult before attempting to serve with others.

Gung Ho Goober

As a freshly enlisted security officer or anyone who has taken it upon themselves to bear arms in defence of your ship please answer if any of the below would be in your opinion a justifiable first course of action for each particular situation :

You spot a single Mud Crawler slowly approaching the ship, you assess the available defence turrets and decide that the rail gun loaded with a nuclear shell is the most appropriate weapon to fire point blank range.

An assistant in a clowns uniform approaches you and honks their horn once in your general direction, you immediately stun baton them unconscious and empty a full clip of SMG ammo into their prostrate body lying on the floor, then decapitate them just to be sure the threat is neutralised.

Ignoring the captain you patrol around the ship demanding everyone respects your authority and submits to your every demand, if you are not satisfied they have paid you enough respect you terminate them for being a security threat.

You notice a confrontation is escalating in the reactor room without attempting to deescalate the situation or use non lethal weapons you simply decide to fire a 40mm grenade into the middle of the room to restore discipline.

A mud raptor has entered the ship and is terrorising your poor unarmed fellow crew who desperately trying to escape are rushing towards you screaming for help in the hope of safety and protection, without warning you unload your riot shotgun until nothing alive is left moving.

After entering a ship for the first time you go directly to the weapons locker and after stocking up on guns & ammo make a beeline directly to helm and shoot the unsuspecting captain in the back of the head then proceed to hunt down every last one of the remaining crew taking great pleasure in their pleas for mercy purely to assert your chad dominance.

If you answered in the affirmative to any of the above then you are a terrible person and a Gung Ho Doucher not fit to handle weapons on any ship in any capacity.

Having the power of life and death over your fellow shipmates does not mean you always need to chose death for them, so for your captains sanity please make a concerted effort in these areas :

Improving your trigger discipline to conserve ammo and reduce friendly fire.
Making more accurate threat assessments and taking suitable time to assess the situation first.
Selecting most appropriate course of action to minimise harm and destruction.
Protecting the sanctity of human life, maintaining the rule of law and observing the chain of command.
Fundamentally be more considerate of the people you are supposed to be protecting and serving instead of treating them as merely collateral damage or potential target practice.

Man Over Board

Only leave the ship when the captain has authorised you to do so, doing so at any other time is a very bad idea and you should stop doing it.

The submarine is not a bus, tube, tram or train that you can just hop on and off as you please for your convenience and pleasure.

Your responsibility is to remain on the ship at all times performing your duties until given direction expressively by the captain that it is a suitable and safe time to leave the ship when it has come to a complete stop in a safe place in close proximity to the next mission location.

The captain cannot afford to keep stopping the ship, coming back and looking for you or waiting around for you whilst you take up everyone's time putting the ship in danger and wasting fuel.

The following are not legitimate reasons to leave the ship despite what you might think :

You got bored.
You wanted to check if we were nearly there yet.
You thought you saw some minerals on the sea floor a while ago.
You want to abandon your medical post to swim out and try harvesting some genetic material for your diabolical experimentation's.
You thought all the fuel rods would be much safer at the bottom of the ocean.
You decided to be a hero and explore the raptor nest cave / alien ruin / husk infested wreck by yourself only to die screaming for help.
You thought you heard the captain say something about something outside but were not really listening so just went out without saying anything to anybody with no idea about what or where you are going

Doing any of the above is probably going to at best get you left in the dark cold waters all by your lonesome soon to be torn to pieces, at worst you will be court martialed for dereliction of duty, insubordination or even suspected sabotage.

And finally after you have commenced authorised extra vehicular activity always make sure you respond in a timely and clear fashion when the captain enquires if everyone is all aboard,

As failing to do so will get you left behind with only your self to blame so stop whining when you are left behind after being given fair warming to return.

So don't be a douche diver and stop just leaving the ship willy-nilly whenever you please.

Barotrauma Prima Donna

Nothing makes the heart of a captain sink to the depths of hell faster then hearing the whining demanding voice of the entitled crew member who is suffering from an overwhelming case of main character syndrome.

Constantly requesting things from you captain, expecting the captain to cater to your every whim and fancy, making sure you are always the centre of attention and that you feel your opinions and superior knowledge about everything are validated by talking incessantly over everyone especially interrupting the captain is the sign that you are indeed a prima douche.

If you are this way inclined you simply need to accept the reality that you are not a special snow flake who deserves to be treated with kid gloves but just another member of the crew who needs to pipe down and start working as part of a team.

If the captain requires your opinion on something they will ask for it otherwise perform your duties and keep your mouth shut unless you have mission critical things to report in a concise and courteous way.

Unfortunately if you are unable to change your prima donna ways your only long term option is to accept having yourself muted, quit in a fit of rage or learn to enjoy single player as most captains will not suffer your overwhelming sense of entitlement in silence for long.

Hoarding & Wastage

I would like to talk about an endemic crisis that is systematically and insidiously undermining countless undersea operations as we speak.

The chronically intolerable levels of day to day hoarding and wastage carried out by the average crew is despicable and you should all be ashamed of yourself.

Think before you pick things up and gleefully stuff them in your pockets, always ask yourself do you really need this for your immediate task ahead and is the amount justifiable ? If not then leave it for the next person who may be in dire need of it !

Nothing is more depressing after a captain has diligently just stocked up on essentials at the last outpost only to hear the pitiful whining of their crew complaining about not being able to find basic supplies a few minutes after departing due to some insufferable kleptomaniac taking the whole lot.

You should only be acquiring the items fundamental to your role not taking absolutely everything you can get your sticky fingers on justified only by the flimsiest excuse that you might need everything you are hoarding in the most unlikeliest scenarios imaginable.

Unfortunately The most likely scenario is that you will die alone outside the ship and have your corpse ripped to shreds leaving everything you have hoarded to the fishes.

Stop drinking all the ethanol because your are bored.
Stop taking all the morphine because you have a substance abuse problem
Stop taking all the ammo because you don't feel safe
Stop taking all the bandages because you bleed
Stop taking all the fuel rods because they are green and glowy
Stop taking all the air tanks because you need to breath
Stop taking all the welding tanks because you really like welding

Stop treating the ship like a fat kid in a sweet shop, stop grabbing everything you can get your grubby hands on and stuffing it in your mouth and pockets before the shop keeper catches you and throws you out, show some constraint and consideration for everyone else.

Just Imagine you had to pay for all this ♥♥♥♥ and then you might feel a little bit of empathy with your poor captain, think about how much you are hurting your captains feelings when they see everything they have carefully provided for the crew to have a successful mission wasted.

Litter Bug

For the love of God don't drop everything on the floor like a lazy bum and pick ♥♥♥♥ up once in a while.

You might think your sticking it to the man or rebelling against your parents who are always telling you to tidy your room but there's very good reasons to do so.

Many items if properly stowed away can instead be easily recycled or refilled which means less shortages and more things for you to play with.
All those items flying around can and will fall out of the ship through hull breaches and be lost forever.
Every additional item left on the deck causes increased loading times and latency for everyone.
The constant clanging and banging noises from all the crap left on the floor are very aggravating
My pet peeve is nobody seems to realise harpoons are re-usable, pick those damn things up !
Please in the sake of everything holy make some effort to dispose of fellow crew members bodies in a respectful and dignified manner.
(Dismembering peoples bodies with a diving knife and throwing them into the ballast tank is not a legitimate form of sea burial .)
And finally it just looks bloody slovenly, show some pride in your ships appearance as a dirty ship makes you all look unprofessional and amateurish and you don't really want to upset your captains feelings now do you ?

Conduct Unbecoming Of An Officer And A Gentleman

Most captains myself included have a very high tolerance for shenanigans and tomfoolery as we understand it takes all sorts to keep a boat afloat and we also need to develop a very thick skin as an occupational requirement.

But the one thing that i simply cannot abide and will always immediately take action on is just down right unnecessarily rude, vicious and abusive behaviour to anyone.

So if you are unfortunately habitually that way inclined or just had a bad day at work please don't take your douchery to anyone's ship and wait till you are in the right frame of mind before taking the plunge.

This can be a high stress and demanding work environment and if you're not in the right place mentally and ready to experience the unexpected and deal with possibly not exactly be working with the brightest or most competent people imaginable at all times then don't start taking it out on everyone because your not able to cope with it.

It's supposed to be fun for everyone onboard so if the fun stops and you find yourself starting to get a bit irate and heated and lashing out at people just take a break and come back fresh before you go too far and get muted or banned when the captain can't handle your douche anymore.

Never Ever Move The Ship

There is one cardinal rule that you must never ever break, I would say its is probably the most sacred bond that you must never come between a captains command of their ship by moving it.

The ship is the captains mistress and sole responsibility to skilfully guide beneath the waves with their masterful hands, if you take it upon yourself to violate that relationship by putting your grubby paws on the helm you have stepped over a line that no captain should ever tolerate.

The captain has put the ship specifically where they want it for every good reasons which might not necessarily be clear or understandable to you, but you must trust and respect your captains decisions on when and where they move the ship.

If in the unlikely event that the captain has perished aboard their ship, please show them the courtesy of waiting patiently for the replacement captain to arrive and not giving into temptation and purely on your own volition take the ship on a joy ride.

This is not acceptable as its most likely that you are not qualified, experienced or responsible enough to do this safely and will only send the ship to her doom in no time.

You see every member of the crew has a role that defines them and gives them purpose and fulfilment, just as the doctor treats stuff, engineers & mechanics fix stuff, security shoot stuff and assistants annoy stuff the captains primary and most important duty is to steer the ship.

If you take this away from the captain even for a moment you have breached that trust you should all have when serving aboard a ship that the captain is always in their rightful place at the helm controlling the ship.

The captain will be plotting a course for the optimal traversal of perilous waters, to minimise hazards and threats to the ship, maintain optimal firing positions and to fulfil the required tasks in the most efficient and optimal way possible, you on the other hand will just be moving the ship due to impatience or maliciousness and that's very selfish and irresponsible so just don't douche it.

Furthermore when you move the ship it is in effect demonstrating that you think the captain has no legitimacy and you don't respect or believe they are capable of fulfilling this very important duty and this will make them very sad and offended and you would not want to hurt your captains feelings now would you ?

But I Should Be Captain

Do you ever find yourself often telling the captain how to do their job ?, if so then you may of developed a serious case of I should be captainitus, the common symptoms are listed below :

Telling the captain they are not a good captain.
Arguing with the captain about every order given.
Giving orders to other members of the crew without being given authority first from the captain.
Telling the captain how, where and when to sail the ship.
Telling the captain which missions to take and how and when to do them.
Telling the captain that their choice of turret types and placements are incorrect.
Telling the captain that they need to change the submarine to a different one.
Trying to start a mutiny whenever the captain makes a decision you don't agree with.

These are not legitimate concerns to raise or express with the captain as they are not your prerogative as a serving member of crew, your role is to perform your duties and follow the captain not constantly undermine them.

There is nothing worse then having a member of the crew decide they should be the captain and start constantly confronting the captain on every decision and trying to over rule them and start a mutiny.

There can only be one captain, attempting to challenge them and gain control of the ship or get them to step down so you can take command is futile and a fools errand as its the fastest way to be muted or banned for the simple reason that the host is invariably the captain.

If you have decided that you are leadership material and think you would make a fine captain and want to try yourself then please do so in the correct and orderly manner by hosting your own ship as captain.

Joining another ship and attempting to obstruct the captain and their ships operations that you are supposed to be serving on by being a wannabe douche captain is not the way to show you have what it takes.

Conclusion

Thank you all for the precious time and undivided attention you have dedicated to studying this fantastic DBADB guide.

I think we can all agree this has been a very worthwhile exercise and now you should all feel that its not beyond the realms of possibility that you are capable of performing somewhat professionally and with a modicum of courtesy and compassion towards your fellow ship mates and most importantly your captain.

Perhaps in time you may eventually start to experience strong feelings of respect and even love for your captain, do not worry this is perfectly acceptable and understandable.

Hopefully also after you have fully digested and implemented this material your captains will start to see significant improvements in capabilities and attitude from their crews concerning all the areas covered.

Please in the future encourage any fellow crew members not already beyond hope that you think could gain some benefit to also read this DBADB guide.

If you have not been found wanting regarding any of the topics covered and have not shown any applicable deficiencies as you are already the personification of the ideal levels of expected conduct and competency from a member of a serving crew then on behalf of your captains I thank you for your service.

If after this entire course you have failed to show even the most basic level of improvement in any way then be prepared to be stabbed in your douche face with a rusty harpoon the next time you see your captain.

18 Comments

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Polarization [author] 25 Dec, 2024 @ 2:04pm

1&2 : once you step onboard a ship the captains word is second only to God himself, so any other moral consideration or obligation of duty is always superseded by the captains command, therefore its not possible for captains to be guilty of terrorism or bourgeois class crimes. Naive concepts of fighting for communism or democracy are irrelevant to all captains enlightened form of the only truly legitimate governance of a ship : a benevolent dictatorship

YellowKnight 25 Dec, 2024 @ 3:10am

After having read the guide, I have two questions regarding the topics discussed.

1. If the captain has decided to aid the Separatists by transporting explosives to be used in terrorist attacks on innocent civilians, is it acceptable that I, as instructed by the great Europa Coalition, remove the cargo from the ship?

2. If the captain has decided to socialize with the filthy ruling class, is it okay that we, the comrades fighting for liberty, as instructed by the Jovian Separatists, seperate the bourgeoise snakehead from it's body, using the explosives hidden by Blind Jim?

Polarization [author] 23 Aug, 2024 @ 10:08am

Sounds like you have a nasty case of I should be Captainitis, Please consult Section 10 again for your health.

DUST-WUN 20 Aug, 2024 @ 8:22pm

this is 100% written by the captain player who stands around screaming about the ballast being flooded and crying for crew to fix it while hes standing over the B hatch with a welder in his hand

Polarization [author] 16 Mar, 2024 @ 12:05pm

1. Corporal punishment for insubordination now matter how minor is always the Captains prerogative.

2. Unauthorised re-wiring of the ship should always be punished instantly by court martial and summary execution.

3. You should always follow every command of the captain irrespective of any moral objections or potential legal ramifications, there is no Geneva convention in the depths of Europa.

4. A captain would never order anyone to move the ship, the captain would expect the crew to wait patiently making use of the time to carry out productive tasks until they have returned.

Chrisonmagic 16 Mar, 2024 @ 11:19am

1. *just a warning shot

Chrisonmagic 16 Mar, 2024 @ 11:19am

Some questions. I'm not taking the piss, I would like to know the answers.

1. If the Doctor is yelling at the captain (not necessarily rudely) and being an annoying pain and not stopping after being politely told to STFU, is it okay to shoot them, not to death (of course)?

2. If the assistant keeps unwiring appliances and disabling devices, can I shoot them? And if they don't stop, can I stun them and arrest them?

3. If the captain is telling me to do something. I should do it regardless, correct? Even if it is a war crime?

4. If the captain explicitly tells me that I should pilot the ship in the case of their demise, what takes priority, captain's orders or don't touch the terminal?

Richard Roe 17 Dec, 2022 @ 6:38pm

I will confer, I only tell other captains off mic to myself they arn't a good captain sheerly by their poor handing of threats outside the ship by leaving the boat on auto pilot and presenting the crew as a feast for threshers and veteran mudraptors, instead of cordinating with security/able bodied crew to man and manurve the ship and it's guns to deny the beasts from boarding.

Shit'e dpants 16 Dec, 2022 @ 8:43am

i am heartbroken that there was no mention of giving your entire crew an opioid addiction by injecting fentanyl straight into their bloodstream at any sign of injury

Polarization [author] 15 Dec, 2022 @ 11:57am

I believe that situation would be adequately covered generally by section 6 Hoarding & Wastage but more specifically in section 1 Big Stupid Cry Baby, paragraph 5 :

"When you join a crew it is your responsibility to be reasonably competent with the basics of the class you have been assigned"

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