Before you can become Spider-Man you need to embrace the lifestyle of the person behind the mask. You can do this by emulating any one of the various Spider-People. Your options are...

• Peter Parker
  
• Miles Morales
  
• Ben Reilly
  
• Gwen Stacy
  
• Kaine Parker
  
• Otto Octavius
  
• Yu Komori
  
• Pavitr Prabhakar

And the list goes on!

The important thing to remember is to be authentic. Oh and don't forget to kill one or two of your loved ones. That's EXTREMELY important, every Spider-Man has severe familial trauma.

You know what they say! A healthy dose of just below lethal levels of radiation and the genetic mishmash of both your DNA and that of a spider keeps the doctors away! It will, however, not keep the nosy government scientists away. They are most certainly on your trail.

I recommend spending a lot of your free time engaging in the following activities to maximize your potential of gaining superpowers.

• Working out while drinking Mountain Dew
  
• Visiting your local college's science department
  
• Microwaving all of your food and drinks
  
• Spending as much time as possible vacationing in Chernobyl
  
• Leaving your doors and windows open to allow spiders inside
  
• Not cleaning your room so that spiders have space to form webs

Just remember I am not responsible for any public notoriety, diseases, or unwanted mutations gained as a consequence of your new webhead status. Just because you can crawl on the ceiling that doesn't always mean you should. Your Spider-Sense probably won't warn you about mesothelioma.

Okay you've got your powers and you're ready to go! So let's go over some of the Dos and Don'ts of Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Manning.

• DO use your powers and abilities to save those in life threatening danger!
  
• DON'T use your powers to put others in life threatening danger!
  
• DO become a positive role model for people everywhere!
  
• DON'T do things that could get you into a viral LiveLeak video!
  
• DO seek out injustice and thwart evildoers!
  
• DON'T use your newfound power to start a criminal organization!

As long as you follow this handy-dandy list you'll be saving Manhattan in no time! That is of course unless you f**k it up really badly.

So here's the deal, Dear Reader, even with this amazing guide you're probably not gonna be an Amazing Spider-Man. Do you know why that is? Being Spider-Man is HARD. Even our main man Peter Parker himself royally screws up a LOT, and that's with the added assistance of plot armor. So in the event that you f**k it up (which you will) at least take solace in the fact that every Spider-Man sucks from time to time.

Our boys down at the lab have come up with an easy acronym to help YOU remember what to do when in the midst of f**king it up.

ense! Your Spider-Sense alerts you to dangers, but don't neglect your other senses!
r mom! "Ur mom" is a great example of a QUIP that you can use to disorient and scare your enemies!
urvive! For the love of God this is the most important one please do not forget this as a matter of fact literally forget everything else and just remember this okay it's really really really important I mean we're talking Avengers level threat kinda stuff here okay just please please give up on this silly stupid notion of being a superhero in real life like for Christ's sake you can't just do that kinda stuff in the real world like are you trying to get yourself killed oh my God this isn't gonna go over too well I hope you know that

Hey thanks for sticking around, Dear Reader. I hope you've learned all that you can to start leaving a positive impact on your local community as their new SPIDER-MAN! Remember to drink lots of water, eat healthy foods, and exercise at least two-three times a week. Oh and don't let any of your rogue's gallery kill your loved ones.