• Wear the Gibus/Pyrovision/Mercenary combo on yourself. This will make people start fretting over you the moment they notice your presence.
  
• Having a Power Up Canteen is strictly forbidden.
  
• Choose Advanced or Expert difficulty despite never managing to complete a single Normal mission.
  
• Look at what other players chose. Duplicate either the already duplicated class or the least useful one.
  
• Ready up immediately after choosing your class, regardless of whether the other players are on the site.
  
• Don't realize you can buy upgrades at that huge station with "UPGRADES" written over it, despite the fact that you spawn right in front of it.
  
• Don't respond to any and all prompts from your team. You don't want to let the more experienced pr0s control you or tell you what you have to do.
  
• Alternatively, mic-spam idle chat or annoying sounds. This will surely make them happy.
  
• Make a frontal assault against robots. It will always be effective.
  
• Ignore any dropped cash. Especially as the Scout.
  
• Ignore the bomb carrier. He has to stay alive.
  
• Direct the robots' fire towards the squishiest teammates (Snipers/Spies/Engies).
  
• ALWAYS shoot the Uber Medics first. Preferably with an automatic weapon. Or set them on fire, that will help a lot too.
  
• When you run out of your primary weapon ammo, pull out the secondary/melee and start pummeling the robots with it.
  
• After every fail, ALWAYS start a vote on restarting the mission. Even if you're on the final wave with every single cash pile grabbed.

• Primary: Baby Face's Blaster (Never ever use this thing. You need to be slower to make up for your crappy aim as Scout.)
  
• Secondary: Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol (The number one weapon against Pyros.)
  
• Melee: Boston Basher (Never ever stop swinging this thing.) / Frying Pan (Same, except those should be aimed at your teammates whenever possible.) / Atomizer (Keep constantly jumping and whacking the robots with it.) / Wrap Assassin (Never shoot the ball, always keep swinging it.) / Candy Cane (The extra health will never come in handy, but why not? Also, always charge in with this weapon out when the Soldiers/Demomen are out.)

Sink everything into your primary, despite never using it.
Alternatively, sink money into your weapons. Never ever buy any resistances, speed or jump height upgrades.

• Stay away from the cash. Teammates might accuse you of stealing it from them.
  
• Prioritize shooting the robots. And tanks. Especially tanks.
  
• Never dodge, always run straight into the enemies. Especially if those are the giants.

• Primary: Rocket Jumper (You'll be able to rocket jump a lot, and rocket jumping is cool.) / Direct Hit (Who cares about splash damage?)
  
• Secondary: B.A.S.E. Jumper (You'll be able to fly! So cool!)
  
• Melee: Half-Zatoichi (Samurais are cool. And who doesn't want extra health? Unable to switch your weapons? No prob, just charge straight into a tank or giant, it will obviously work.)

Put everything into your melee and jump height. Stay away from your primary (unless it's the Rocket Jumper).

• Rocket jump a lot and then fly with the B.A.S.E. Jumper! Robots won't be able to hit you!
  
• Whenever low on health, switch to the Half-Zatoichi. Also do this whenever you want to assault a giant or a tank. Always switch to this weapon before the wave begins.

• Primary: Degreaser (Puff 'n sting works in PvP, so why shouldn't it work on hordes of bloodthirsty robots with aimbots?)
  
• Secondary: Reserve Shooter (Airblast, switch, shoot, mini-crit. Do that on everything.)
  
• Melee: Fire Axe (You'll be a cool fireman if you will be carrying this.)

Sink everything into melee. Then, a bit into the secondary, and burn time and burn damage on your primary.

• W+M1. Always.
  
• Don't worry about airblasting the bomb carrier forward, teammates surely will be able to deal with it.
  
• Uber Medics are number one priority for your burning needs.

• Primary: B.A.S.E. Jumper (Like with Soldier. Flying is cool.)
  
• Secondary: Splendid Screen (DEM CRITZ, and who cares about resistances anyway?) / Sticky Jumper (Like I said earlier, jumping is cool.)
  
• Melee: Any Demoknight gear, with special mention of Bottle (You'll be able to drink! It'll be funny!), Ullapool Caber (Making robots go boom with yourself? But of course!) and Pain Train (You will be able to bring a whole train of pain upon your enemies! Don't worry about the fact that you don't cap anything here, and forget about that bullet vulnerability, it doesn't matter if you'll be too cool for the robots.)

Sink everything into the secondary. Then, upgrade jump height and some stuff on melee (stay away from crits on kill upgrade).

• Leeroy Jenkins into everything.
  
• Prioritize giants, tanks and Uber Medics.
  
• If you took the Sticky Jumper, then always keep flying over the map with the B.A.S.E. Jumper. It's cool.

• Primary: Tomislav (Robots surely won't care about your silent spinup, but it's so cool.)
  
• Secondary: Buffalo Steak Sandvich (Always eat it before running straight into action. Then, forget you can't use your primary for the duration.)
  
• Melee: Warrior's Spirit (You have 300HP, having 20 less or more doesn't matter. And you get more damage!)

Sink everything into jump height, secondary and melee.

• Stay away from the dispenser.
  
• Always keep shooting the robots, especially Uber Medics, and never retreat.
  
• Don't ever punch the robots. Even though you have a loadout specifically designed for it.
  
• Prioritize the tanks over everything else. Doesn't matter that you deal only 25% damage against it, you gotta take down the tank first.

• Primary: Widowmaker (To compliment your terrible aim.)
  
• Secondary: Pistol (Pistols are cool. And you can try to cherry tap robots.)
  
• Melee: Gunslinger (More health? Hell yeah! And who cares about your Sentry anyway? It basically saves you the need to buy a Disposable one!) / Eureka Effect (ALWAYS teleport away from Sentry Busters, leaving your nearby teammates to die in the resulting explosion.)

Sink everything into your primary, secondary and melee (except swing speed). Never ever invest into your buildings, unless it's the Disposable Mini-Sentry or 2-way Teleporters.

• Forget that you can build buildings.
  
• If you do remember about this, make reverse teleporters, put the dispenser very close to the robot spawn and leave the sentry at spawn (it might save your life if half of the robots manage to get past all of you).
  
• Always be in the first line of fighting.
  
• Never repair or rebuild your buildings.
  
• Melee stuff as often as you can.
  
• Lead Sentry Busters to your teammates, especially Heavies. They'll be grateful for allowing them to deal with those from up-close.
  
• Place your disposable mini-sentry in a place where it will pop every single Uber Medic.

• Primary: Blutsauger (Healing yourself with shots? Very useful! Doesn't matter that it hurts you anytime you aren't using it, since you'll be always using it.)
  
• Secondary: Medigun (It doesn't matter, as you will never ever use it.)
  
• Melee: Bonesaw (You're a Medic, right? You can examine the robots!)

Upgrade your melee and primary. Never ever put anything into resistances and secondary. Also, stay away from Mad Milk syringes, those might actually make you useful.

• Always shoot the robots in the first line of fighting.
  
• Never use your Medigun. Might heal your teammates, and that means they will kill the robots, and that means less stuff to kill for you.
  
• Never revive anyone who's right next to you when it's completely safe, but rush in with the Medigun out whenever someone dies on the other end of the map and there's a battallion of Heavies between you.

• Primary: Huntsman (Bows and arrows are cool. And time proved them to be useful in any situation.)
  
• Secondary: Razorback (Especially useful on waves without Spies.)
  
• Melee: Bushwacka (Always try to melee Pyros.)

Get bleed on your primary, and upgrade your melee. Also, upgrade your resistances, so that you will have more time to show off how useful you are by taking out one robot at a time.

• Fight in the first line.
  
• Always shoot in the crowd, the Lucksman is bound to get at least a single head.
  
• Tauntkill whenever possible.
  
• Always charge in with your melee whenever you run out of arrows.
  
• Ignore Uber Medics.

• Primary: Revolver (You'll be like in the Wild West. All those other fancy guns are for cowards.)
  
• Secondary: Whatever sapper you'd like.
  
• Melee: Your Eternal Reward (Instant disguise on backstab? Robots will NEVER see through this scheme. And never aimbot you due to you not having a disguise at the start of the wave.
  
• Watch: Cloak & Dagger (You'll be able to camp and see the robot movements. That'll be useful. Also, always keep moving with this, never stop to catch a bit of cloak, time is money.)

Everything into your primary.

• Always run and gun the robots.
  
• Don't be afraid to lose your hard-earned disguise, you can always get another one with a single stab.
  
• Butterknife once you'll run out of ammo. Or when the giant comes.
  
• Tauntkill whenever possible.
  
• Ignore Uber Medics. Despite you being able to take them down with a single backstab.
  
• Forget that you have a sapper. If you do remember about it, then put it on a Scoutbot.

This is all the knowledge I can give you. This is all you need to know.
Now, go, my dear Gibus warrior! To (try to) conquer the robots and teammates' patience!

...

This guide is obviously a joke. Don't do anything that's written here.
I hope you had your hearty laugh browsing this, my dear reader.

Bonus artwork from me: