So, you want the puss? Well, fortunately, Garfield is the one true ♥♥♥♥♥ expert. If you thought Garfield's greatest asset was his ability to consume lasagne, you ain't seen his true "eating" talents.

Cunnilingus aside, first we must learn how to acquire a woman. Conventional methods include;

• Getting to know a lady over an extended period of time, and by chance a mutual attraction leads to the friendship blossoming into a relationship.
  
• Waiting until a usually upstanding lady becomes deperate by way of sexual deprevation and throws herself upon you at the office Christmas party.
  
• Money and a street corner.

These methods are dated and have a wavering success rate. I have been turned down by a lady on a street corner before, and yes, I'm fine, and no, it has not crippled my self esteem. That much. Today, we intend to learn a more advanced approach.


Ambushing any unsuspecting lady with a siq tune typically already brings her to the brink of 0rgasm. The "Surprise Serenade" (or SS for short) has been my ace in the hole for a while now. The most successful impromptu pieces I've played for ♥♥♥♥♥ acquistion have all involved Garfield. Thus, I impart this knowledge onto you, dear reader. May you use this information to your advantage. This method is guaranteed to work, unless you have a really bad face.

This is the piece we shall be learning today, dear students.

We shan't be playing this piece verbatim, but instead a simple variation that (most) everybody can play.

Own a guitar.

If you don't have one currently, steal one.

Tuning

The tuning for this piece is not Standard E, but is instead D A D F# A D (aka Open D)
You can find a tuner for this tuning here[www.8notes.com]

The chord sequence

The chords for our variation of this song are incredibly simple, no chord requiring more than 2 fingers. Descriptions of these chords are seen in a list below, and diagrams of the chords below the list.

1. The first chord is on the 5th fret, with your second and third fingers on the top E and G string respectively. Editor's note: You will only be starting on the G-string,
   this will later come off.
   
2. The second chord is strummed open, no need to hold down anything here.
   
3. The third chord only requires a single finger. It goes on the 9th fret on the top E string. Editor's note: It's best to start with one finger before moving up to 2 or more.
   
4. The fourth chord is the same as the first, but is instead on the 7th rather than the 5th.
   
5. The final chord merely requires moving the 2nd finger onto the next fret (the 8th), and putting your first finger onto same position as the 3rd finger in the previous chord.

The chord sequence goes as follows:

Verse: Chord 1, Chord 2, Chord 3, Chord 4 (repeat)
Chorus: Chord 1, Chord 2, Chord 4, Chord 5, Chord 3 (repeat)

For chord and strum pattern reference, here's a performance from myself, Lasagne Senpai, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ up most of the lyircs;

The Lyrics

Girl you know you ready
Cause you's a chubby chaser
Got that Roy Rooster
For them US Acres got nine lives
We ain't in no hurry
You'll be seeing 3D
Cause ♥♥♥♥♥ I'm Bill Murray
My name's Garfield and I'm here to say
I like good ♥♥♥♥♥ in a major way
Black girls, white girls, short girls, tall I ain't picky, I'll take it all
Work that body, work that body
Make sure you don't hurt nobody
Get wild and lose your mind
Take this thing into over-time
Hey DJ, TURN IT UP
QCD, gonna burn it up
C'mon y'all get on the floor
So hey, let's go a'ight
♥♥♥♥♥ I look like Garfield
I look like Garfield
Let me peek inside your fridge
And show you how ajar feels
Girl let me examine you
You that you want this
I'm a ♥♥♥♥♥ expert girl
You can call me Dr. Liz

Receive puss

At this point, all women within a 12 mile radius will be moist. This is a good start, but really seal the deal by surprising the woman of your choice with a tasty chunk of lasagne. (Guides on cooking a lasagne are also available on the Steam Community Hub for this game)

With great power comes great responsibility - Garfield, 2020

With these tools, you will now be capable of acquiring a Brobdingnagian amount of ♥♥♥♥♥. However, use this power wisely.


As we can see, the amount of ♥♥♥♥♥ acquired is directly proportional to the number of songs played. One man can only have so much puss. This is what we must learn as Lasagne Warriors.

Use this immense power in moderation, and remember to respect women.