Have you ever dated a person for a really long time? Like, since 1992? Maybe their name was something like, Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing? And you and Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing got along fine, sometimes you'd argue, sometimes they would drag you to a movie you didn't want to see, maybe you didn't love their taste in music, but things were ok, right? But, you've been dating for twenty three years at this point. Maybe you start to hate the way they laugh, the way they cough, the way they don't put the cap back on the toothpaste. Maybe you hate how Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing can never decide what to have for dinner. And all these little things start to build up in your mind, they start gnawing away at you. And maybe one day you meet another person you think is kind of cute. And you end up leaving Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing for this new person, maybe their name is something like Intoxicated driver.

Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing doesn't even get mad at you, they don't throw your stuff out of the window, they just look sad and disappointed as you walk out the door.

But after you spend one day with your new partner, you realize what a terrible mistake you've made. Intoxicated driver isn't charming or clever. Intoxicated driver doesn't get your jokes, they don't seem to have any sense of humor at all. Intoxicated driver falls asleep in your bed, then immediately begins to fart and pick their nose in their sleep. Intoxicated driver only ever wants to eat at Applebee's. Intoxicated driver believes in Bigfoot and says incredibly racist things when your friends are over. Intoxicated driver hasn't read a book since high school, and has no opinion on any current event, other than thinking Donald Trump would make a really good President. Intoxicated driver might have looked cute, back when they were just something you daydreamed about when you were with Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing, but after just one day you realize that Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing was the best thing that ever happened to you. Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing understood you, and loved you, and you walked out on them for... for this. You threw away the only good thing you had in your life for someone who has innumerable clipping errors and someone who has no quit option beyond pressing Alt+F4. You threw away the best kart racing game for the worst. And as you sit there on the foot of your bed, smoking a cigarette at 3 AM, staring into the darkness, you realize what a fool you are, as Intoxicated driver farts loudly under the sheets.

You know Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing will take you back, they will forgive you. But deep down, you also know that you no longer deserve them.