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I cant quit saying the N word I don't know what to do I keep hearing it on repeat in my head on a loop every waking hour and even asleep I have dreams saying it sometimes.

I say it outloud if I spill a drink or stub my foot. I even yelled it once when a guy cut me off in traffic.

I was watching a movie and a black person came on screen and I said it without even thinking about it. I went on a date with a really beautiful black woman once and I was holding it in all night. The urge to say it was so powerful it physically pained me. We had sex that night and I moaned the N word while having the most intense orgasm of my life.

Unfortunately she did not react well. I tried to explain and say I was just caught up in passion and I couldn't think straight but she wasn't buying it and was very upset and yelling at me. Unfortunately I broke down from the yelling (it reminded me of my mother yelling at me as a kid) and I said it again. She yelled louder so I said it louder and again louder and I shut my eyes and plugged my ears and yelled it until she left.

I don't know why I can't stop saying it the urge is just so powerful. I feel it every day and sometimes I just can't help it. The urge to say the N word is so powerful it hurts.