Long story short, the locals mistook me for a forest demon and I spent 7 days in a bamboo cage being fed bread crumbs and tortured continuously in 8 hour long exorcisms. The only thing that kept me alive and motivated was Emma Watson's bravery and courage.

Then the US army invaded the village, slaughtered the residents and found me naked and unafraid, reciting Emma Watsons name again and again. They rescued me and took me back to my hotel room. They offered to take me back to Houston but I didn't want to leave. I just love this country so much.