Bilbo: Good morning!
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning? Or do you mean that it is a good morning whether it is a good morning or not a good morning on this morning? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel this morning is a good morning on this morning because it is a good morning on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that you have morning wood on this particular morning?
Bilbo: ... all of them at once I suppose. Good morning!
Gandalf: Sasesabilbabilbabesanagenasanagenabilbabilbabesesanagenasanagena! (sweet lord)
Bilbo: I beg your pardon?
Gandalf: Sasesabilbabilbabesanagenasanagenabilbabilbabeses!
Bilbo: I'm sorry do I know you?
Gandalf: I'm Gandalf! And Gandalf means good morning!
Bilbo: ... Good morning! struggles with door
Bilbo: ... Good morning!
Gandalf: Good morning!
Bilbo: Good morning! goes inside
Gandalf, peering through the window: Good morning!
Gandalf peering in again: Just tea, thank you.
Gandalf, again: BILBO BAGGINS!
Some other guy very well edited in behind the bars of the window: Good morning!
(I genuinely don't know who this is I think it's arnie schwarzenegger someone please help me)

Bilbo: plays bongos with his dinner
Door bell: Jingle Bells
Santa Balin: OH OH OH! violently head bashes Dwalin
Bilbo: It's not that I don't like visitors. I like visitors as much as the next hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come in my ass!
Door bell: Legend of Zelda theme
Fili: Fili!
Kili: And Fili!
Fili & Kili: At your sers!
Kili: You must be Mr. Bond!
Bilbo: Nope!
Kili: You must be Mr. Boba Fett!
Bilbo: Nope!
Kili: You must be Mr. Bomb-omb!
Bilbo: Nope!
Kili: You must be Mr. Bo bobobo-bo!
Bilbo: Nope nope!

Dwarves in background: (Fili! Kili!)
Dwalin: Come on, give us a hand job.
Balin: We gotta shove this in the hole, otherwise we'll never fit everyone in.
Bilbo: Everyone?! How many more are there?
Balin: Everyone.
Bilbo: How many more?
Balin: Everyone.
Bilbo: How many is everyone?!
Balin: Everyone.

Doorbell: Intro to The Three Hunters from LOTR
Bilbo: No. No! THERE'S NOBODY HOME! GO AWAY! There's fartoomanydwarvesherethere'sfartoomanydwarvesthere'sfartoomanydwarves, inmydiningroomasitis. Ifthisisa ifthisisa ifthisisa IFTHISISSOME clothead's idea of a joj a fo aedi s'daedhtolc emos si siht fi. si ti sa moor gninid ym in sevrawarwarwarwar HAHAHAHAHA. I can only say. I can only say. I can I can only say. It is in very poor taste!
Dwarves: bowling strike
Gandalf: Good morning!
Bilbo: Good morning.

Bilbo: Excuse me! A tad... excessive, isn't it? Have you got a cheese knife?
Bofur: Cheese knife? He eats it by the cheese knife!
Bilbo: No, no, that's Grandpa Mungo's cheese knife!
Bofur: Cheese knife!
Gandalf: OHHH! Bifur Bofur Bofur Bofur Bifur Bofur Bofur Bofur Bifur Bofur Bofur Bofur BIFUR BOFUR BOFUR BOFUR
Dori: Mr. Gandalf? A little glass of my ♥♥♥ as requested.
Gandalf: OhhhOOhhhO slurp burp Hmmm.

Gandalf: My dear Bilbo.
Bilbo (old voice): My dear Gandalf!
Gandalf: My dear Bilbo.
Bilbo (old): My dear (young & irritated) Gandalf!
Gandalf: My dear BILBO!!!!
Bilbo (old): My dear (young & irritated) Gandalf!

Bilbo: Th-th-they PILLAGED the pantry, they PILLAGED the bathroom, I'm not even going to tell you what they've done to my cheese knife.
Bofur: Cheese knife?
Bilbo: I don't understand what they don't understand what they don't what the don't what they're doing in my house!
Nori: ScuuS
Bilbo: I don't understand what they're doing in my do-do!
Nori: ScuUuS
Bilbo: I don't understand what they're doing to my cheese knife!
Bofur: Cheese knife?
Bilbo: I'm not even going to tell you what they did to Alf.

Dwarves singing: Abruiseandburnthecolt! Abruiseandburnthecolt! Abruiseandburnabruiseandburnabruiseandburnthecolt! (x2)Abruiseandburnthecolt! Abruiseandburnthecolt! Abruiseabruiseabruiseabruiseabruiseandburnthecolt! (x2)
Mike Bay(s)! Mike Bay(s)! Mike Bay(s)Mike Bay(s)Mike Bay(s)! (x2)
That'swhatbilbobabblebilbothat'swhatbilbobapbap! That'swhatbilbobabblebilbothat'swhatbilbobapbapBAPBAP! (x2)
Abruiseandburnthecolt! Abruiseandburnthecolt! Abruiseandburnabruiseandburnabruiseandburnthecolt!
That's what Bilbo Baggins haa-AAA-aaa-AAAA
The Editor: LSD trip
The dwarves, far off, as if in a dream: *Cut the cloth and trail the fat! Leave the bones on the bedroom mat! Pour the milk on the pantry floor! Splash the wine on every door! Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl, pound them up with a thumping pole, and when you've finished, if they are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll! dance break That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Gandalf: Allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Pikachu.
Thorin Pikachu: So. This is the HoH. He looks gross.

Oin: The reign of the Bee... will end.
Bilbo: What Bee?
Bofur: Well that would be a reference to SmauS the Terrible. Airborne fire Bee. Teeth like razors, claws like cheese knives!
Thorin Pikachu: O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
Ori: squeaks chair
Balin: There is no way into the mountain.
Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true.
Balin: There is no way into the mountain.
Gandalf: That is not true.
Balin: There is no way into the mountain.
Thorin Pikachu: How came you by this?
Balin: There is no way.
Gandalf: It was given to me by your father.
Balin: No way into the mountain.
Gandalf: By Thrain, for safekeeping.
Balin: There is no way into the mountain.
Gandalf: It is yours now.
Balin: No way!
Fili: If there is a key... there must be a door!
Balin: No!
Gandalf: These runes speak of a hidden passage...
Balin: No!
Gandalf: ... into the lower halls.
Kili: There's another way in!
Balin: There is no ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ way into the mountain.
Thorin Pikachu: O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
Ori: squeak squeak
Gandalf: I am accustomed to the smell of Hobbit butt, and while the Hobbit is accustomed to the smell of dragon ♥♥♥♥, the smell of dwarf ♥♥♥ is all but unknown to him.
Bilbo: nopes into unconsciousness
Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS!!

Bilbo: I can't just go running off into the blue. I am a bag-in-box!
Gandalf: You are also a fool of a Took!
Gandalf: You are also a Tool of a ♥♥♥♥!
Gandalf: You are also a foof of a TooT!
Gandalf: You are also a cook!
Gandalf: Did you know that your great-great-great-great uncle was a horse?

The scene's music: acid trip that is somehow musical but different
Bilbo: cartoon slip and fall noises
Bilbo: Stop! (x17)
Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?
Bilbo: I forgot to pee.
Thorin: NOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOON!
Radagast: acid trip

Troll 1: Everything tastes like chicken.
Troll 2: Except for chicken.
Troll 1: What tastes like chicken! I'm just saying, a little chicken would be nice.
Frodo for some reason: Roast chicken?
Dumbass troll: gets knocked over several times, but musically
Bilbo: You are making a terrible steak!
Bilbo: The secret to cooking dwarf is, um,
Troll: Yes? Come on! Tell us the secret!
Bilbo: It's uh, y-yes, I'm telling you! The secret is, is uh,
Troll: Tell us the secret!
Bilbo: Y-yes!
Troll: Come on!
Bilbo: The secret is um,
Troll: Yes? Tell us the secret!
Bilbo: It's uh, y-yes, the secret is uh,
Troll: Come on!
Bilbo: Y-yes the secret is... to... SiS!
Dwarves: outrage noises
Gandalf: The da-a-a-awn will take you a-a-a-all!
Troll 1: Who's that?
Troll 2: Can we eat him too?
Gandalf: YOU - SHALL NOT - cook!
Trolls: petrification noises
Thorin Pikachu: There must be a cake nearby.