A young man finds a strange mask and after wearing it, gains a different type of immortality. Normally, he would’ve become a vampire, but since he has the most epic Stand of all time, Hierophant Green (whose attack cannot be deflected), he gains immortality but is still able to survive in the sun.

The young man gives the mask to George Joestar before going to Italy, thus kickstarting Phantom Blood. In Italy, he discovers the pillar men and plans to revive them so he can have access to the Red Stone of Aja after the pillar men defeat the Hamon users. He tells the Germans about the Pillar men in order to do so, kickstarting the plot of Battle Tendency.

In an unexpected change of events, he finds Lisa Lisa with the Stone of Aja. After seducing her with the secret MILF hunter ability of Hierophant Green (whose attack cannot be deflected) he secretly uses the Stone on him and gains the power to manipulate memories. He erases her memories and goes to Japan to hunt more MILFS.

To blend in, he manipulates the memory of couples to pretend he is his son and changes his name constantly. He does this many times until he is contacted by Dio. Now, despite his amazing looks, Dio is a complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ virgin. His only kiss was forced, and the girl he kissed would rather have muddy water on her lips instead of his saliva. Kakyoin becomes his wingman and teaches him how to seduce anything (and also MILFS), leading to the conception of Giorno and thus kickstarting the plot of Vento Aureo.

After finding out that Holly Joestar is the hottest MILF in Japan, he goes there to bang her. In Japan, He discovers that her son, Jotaro, is her most important thing in the world. To become Jotaro’s friend, he pretends to be under Dio’s control and attacks him. This is the only logical explanation of how Hierophant Green (whose attack cannot be deflected) was nerfed. Kakyoin was only pretending that his stand was complete trash.

In a quest to save and bang Holly, Kakyoin goes with the Stardust Crusaders to kill Dio. In Egypt, he gains the Stand Arrow and receives a new power that permits him to absorb only one Stand in all of his life. After faking his death, he gives the arrow to Okuyasu’s brother, thus kickstarting Diamond is Unbreakable, goes back to Japan, bangs Holly and erases her memories.

Feeling sorry for Jotaro’s complete inability towards women due to his obsession with dolphins, Kakyoin introduces him indirectly to Jolyne’s mother, kickstarting the plot of Stone Ocean.

In Japan, during the events of Diamond is Unbreakable, he discovers the most powerful Stand user of all time: Janken-boy. He steals his stand and uses it to absorb other stands by winning against others on Jankenpo. After gaining numerous stands, he gains the ability to travel to other dimensions. In another dimension, he somehow kickstarts the plot of Steel Ball Run and Jojolion.

And this is how Kakyoin was the mastermind of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. It was him the whole time! All because his stand, Hierophant Green, is the strongest and cannot be deflected!

Or I could be wrong, and Hierophant Green is actually garbage. But there’s no way that’s the case.