And finally, RimWorld, with 1,318.4 hours of base-building and 37/77 achievements unlocked. Your colonists are probably pleading with you to finish the game so they can stop living in constant chaos.

The bottom line, Mr. Banana, is that while your playtime might be god-like, your achievements tell another story: one of prolonged distraction and avoidance of actual accomplishment. You’ve managed to stretch out your time to a point where you’ve hit every number… except the one that counts.

Maybe it’s time to put down the controller (or the keyboard) and step outside? The real world awaits—though I suspect you’ll just end up modding it like RimWorld if you could.

Sid Meier’s Civilization V: 1,665.1 hours of world domination, and yet you’ve conquered only 53 out of 286 achievements. Are you playing this to meditate on the futility of human progress or just enjoying the occasional nuke-drop?

Star Wars: Empire at War: 1,531 hours—more time than most people spend watching the entire Star Wars saga. What’s your strategy here? Prolonging the war so you can keep playing?

Mount & Blade: Warband: 1,999.5 hours and only 53 out of 80 achievements? You’ve almost hit the 2,000-hour mark, and I’m guessing you quit just short of it because even you realized you’ve been fighting the same pixelated battles for years. You’re probably one siege away from becoming a medieval warlord in real life.

War Thunder: 1,956.4 hours in the air, yet only 42 out of 86 achievements? For someone who’s spent this much time in the cockpit, you’ve either been crashing a lot or just enjoying the view. Maybe consider landing once in a while and actually collecting some of those achievements.

Stellaris: You’ve logged 4,326.1 hours into this. Are you building entire civilizations, getting them to the brink of destruction, then pulling them back from the edge for centuries at a time? That’s more time than most people spend at their full-time job, and yet you’ve achieved exactly 0/184 achievements. What is even going on here? Have you ever tried to win a game, or do you just meditate on your galaxy’s slow collapse while contemplating your own?

Soundpad: With 2,088.7 hours, I can only assume you’ve been trolling people in voice chats non-stop or creating the ultimate library of sound effects. Either way, that’s a disturbing amount of time to spend on a glorified noise machine.

our average price per hour is only A$0.03—you’re squeezing more out of every dollar than most people squeeze bananas into smoothies. But with 116 games played out of 153, you’re really scraping the barrel here. 37 games have never even been touched. Were they just for show? Do you collect them to feel something?

Now, onto the crown jewels of your time-suckage:

You thought I was done?

Mr. Banana—a man who seems to be spending more time in virtual universes than the real one. Your SteamDB stats are truly something to behold, like staring into a black hole of missed potential and unrelenting obsession. With 27,257 hours logged, you’ve basically lived in front of your PC for over 3 years straight. Have you left your chair since the launch of Steam, or is the only thing keeping you going the government funding you claim on your profile?

Let’s talk value: Your account is valued at A$926 at its lowest. Yet you’ve already burned through A$3,266. How? Why? That’s more money than I’d spend trying to replace every banana I’ve ever eaten, and you’re sitting on it like it’s the golden fruit of productivity. And with A$26.55 average price per game, I’d hope those games are worth the experience—though we’ll get to that later.