Recent reviews by Mello

Brother this is the final frontier. The Valhalla we all dreamed of during the summers of our youth. Pick your favorite stuffed animal and prepare to die.

Beat the first chapter in approximately four hours. Strategy and choosing the right ammo type is key- I love the fact that the pistol is not super accurate from a distance. The monsters are intimidating and can kill you rapidly if you don't sneak and conserve your rounds when out and about. You can tell the team that created this game really cares a lot about making a solid experience- I loved the hell out of this and am looking forward to the next entry.

My favorite game of all time

Unfortunately not a good experience. While the environmental design is absolutely amazing the game play is very difficult to like. The mechanics sound great on paper but in practice feel almost strangely inconsistent. You'll clear five rooms of thugs without taking a hit, then have the next room of thugs annihilate you. Your gun stats seem irrelevant and damage almost appears randomized. Accuracy is always either zero or 100% and becomes infuriating quickly. Something about the way the guns are designed makes them all feel like squirt guns. Grenades almost always miss their target and either bounce hilariously around or magnetically adhere to the ground. Please wait for another game in the 40k universe. I can't recommend this game.

Imagine a world where you are one of a few remaining blockbuster employees in the last retail location on earth. Halo 9: The urethra of destiny is set for a midnight launch and you are about 60% certain the General Manager is going to call in sick. Your best friend Bardin says he's got some absolutely insane space weed that is guaranteed to change your perception of reality and he says you can hotbox his car before shift starts. Things are sizing up to be pretty memorable, but then you remember your series of exes (all morbidly obese men with a penchant for whispering and summoning fart tornados) are probably going to attend the midnight release for the game. On the bright side you invited a sizable number of reliably cool rat people to attend the premiere (as we all know rat people are exquisite in all ways). On the not so bright side you are pretty sure that the furry you punched in the nuts sixty three times last week is bringing all of his femboys to the premiere- potentially in an attempt to finally drive to you madness. At this point, pumpernickel kittycat, its up to you and your best friends from college to basically party across what appears to be Europe. Will you probably die? Yeah, if not from the furries than probably from long term complications from chronic alcohol and gingerbread abuse. However the point is not that you will die but rather that you will have a good time enjoying the magic of your youth. Remember to always ask the customer for their loyalty membership card and try to upsell when you can. It's going to be a long night but you'll be high enough to not really understand how time works. It will be alright kiddo, just remember not to explode.

An incredibly silly game on the surface but once you get down to it the long drive is incredibly relaxing. I used to drive long distances late at night while working for an EMS agency. There's something immensely soothing about driving alone with nothing but the road and the radio as your company. I really appreciate the devs creating this game and I'm looking forward to some incredibly silly multiplayer.

Leave them alone and we'll be home and dry.

Imagine this, kitten whiskers, you find yourself within papa's garage on one of many days of the quarantine. The difference as you soon come to find is that today is "International marshmallow monster appreciation day" and papa has decided to hold a party.

Get together with your dearest friends and whirl your snouts through some truly mysterious challenges. Die repeatedly as you learn that snout whirling requires finesse and skill. Hone your skills at hitting large marshmallow humans in the testes with hammers.

I'm trying to heal you not bloody shag you.

This is the world as you know it, sunshine darling, the world is filled with rocks to smash and haciendas to construct.

You are the true warlord this quiet sanctuary has dreamt of for thousands of moons prior to your arrival. It is here in this quiet place that you will find the secrets to your own destiny. This is a land of limitless opportunity should you know how to stare beyond the tufts of hair that surround your belly button. Gaze upon the land and visualize the grand towers you will someday construct in celebration of your own crippling arrogance. You are but an ant on the back of the mighty space tortoise, but at least you're a handsome ant.

JOIN ME BROTHER, IT IS HERE IN THE CRUCIBLE OF BATTLE THAT WE WILL AT LAST FIND OUR CALLING.

This is a game that attempts to symbolize the dilemmas I face when deciding on what jelly to buy at the grocery. Sometimes life is like a goblin wearing an expensive suit, cackling at you as you weep about jelly and consider your options in a desperate bid for sanity. Here amidst this field of battle you will find no easy answers, as this will be the deciding factor in your future as a warrior of the cosmos. The eyes of those that seek to emulate you are ever open, ever watching, do you have the guile and strength to persevere? Can you become the luchador you must simply to survive these trials? To be honest I'm not sure.

If we can be candid here you seem like one of those modern hipster furries. Too caught up in hedonism and short term pleasures to see the big picture. Through your eyes the picture is all edgy, drawn in charcoal and flavored like dirt-tears the hedgehog but you simply have become blind to the truth. The true tapestry is a woven in approximately four quintrillion colors and flows in the wind like the petals of a billion flowers. If you would only open your tiny little sandwich oberservers a little wider you would understand, but I fear you never will. You must learn to lechuga, little kitten, learn to roar into the warp and call it a filthy dingo anus and whirl your dervish without fear.

You hesitate even now, when the keys to your destiny are set in your candy grabbers. Be like the invincible rhinocerous beetle of dreams and conquer fear with the falshion of determination. To hesitate is to invite the misery of failure and the promise of infinite sorrow. The keys to infinite justice are yours should you choose to be stalwart. Don't be a coward, howl into the madness of assured uncertainty and know that you are alive if for nothing else. Cherish that, do not squander the potential to truly break adversity over a steady knee and seize victory absolute. You are the hand of your own fate.

Make the waifu

Become stroge

Defeat the heretics that threaten that which stand to obfuscate the visage of the emperor