My fellow Americans, I am here to officially state that I have taken a ♥♥♥♥ in the ikea display toilets.I am as of now on IKEA's ban list and am being chased through the the storage section of the building.

I was caught trying to steal one too many Swedish meatballs from their restaurant.

In the heat of the moment I also had to drop my Swedish chocolate because their employees spotted me.

I attempted to hide within the stuffed animals in the kids toy room exhibition. However they saw my gray balding hairs peaking out from within the pile of orangutans.

They tried to throw various wooden toy trains at my head but their accuracy is worse than a blind man staring at the sun.

Update 1. I am now currently within the ‘As-Is’ section of the warehouse hidden behind a large cabinet. I can hear multiple ikea employees running through the warehouse and inspecting every customer with the static of their walkie talkies blaring throughout the building.

Update 2. A 7 year old found me and started screaming. I quickly arrived to the elevator and escaped the wrath of the called upon police force. I am now being chased throughout the lower parking lot and I almost ran into a 2003 Gray Honda Civic.Unlike contrary belief it appears that the officers have detained my Ford f150 so I shall probably be caught due to my slow ass legs.

Update 3. Sadly, the federal government has taken away my arsenal of firearms as well. I have failed… failed to take a ♥♥♥♥ in the IKEA bathroom display without becoming caught. I am now banned from all IKEA locations throughout the country for my crimes. Also I am now under house arrest and am forced to wear an ankle bracelet for 18 months.

Update 4. I apologize for not succeeding in my quest to ♥♥♥♥. And it is with great dismay that I must must sadly leave you all with.

Just pick Bristleback the Porcupine Mage for an auto win every time.

Hey, when you get all your stuff in order, let's play Borderlands. I miss doing that with you.