Cyberpunk 2077 was announced when I was still wearing diapers and eating baby food. I was 18 years old at the time. The hype surrounding this game was continuously fuelled by CDPR's promises of an immersive world and gameplay features that would flip the results of Russian elections, NPCs that literally breathe the air in your living room, a character customization so deep that random NPCs would react to a ♥♥♥♥ stain on your left buttcheek and RPG elements with so many dialogue choices that Keanu Reeves would need extensive therapy after your first interaction.

Instead we got bullet sponge combat from Borderlands, stealth from Deus Ex: Human Revolution, performance that is comparable to an infinite loop running on 5 of your 6 CPU threads and more bugs than a decrepit Brooklyn apartment. NPCs crouch in fear for an eternity when you sneeze. Omniscient police fade into existence in the middle of a desert. Vehicles permanently stop on the road waiting for invisible traffic. The city feels alive until you walk into the minimum LOD distance and cars vanish from the roads, leaving a dead husk of a promise told to us during the 2018 gameplay demo.

The entire game is a fragile and shallow illusion: NPCs don't actually drive the cars like expected in open world games. Instead, they follow a predetermined path like railway carts. This is clearly evident by the fact that the player's vehicle steering is centered on the front wheels while the NPC's vehicle steering is centered on the middle of the vehicle - they literally rotate around the axis and move along a path until they encounter an obstacle, at which point they become prime targets for the game's garbage collection system that yeets them out of existence the moment you look in the other direction. NPCs have their own unique lives and desires, such as the desire to perform magic by vanishing in front of your eyes and daily schedules consisting of walking to the end of the block, turning around and walking back. Night City really sells the feeling of late stage capitalism when its citizens feel completely indifferent to dying from explosives or having someone standing on top of their car during their daily commute.

The story was good but some characters were forgettable and felt underdeveloped. The only characters I really liked were Jackie Welles and Johnny Silverhand, one of whom is literally a cancer in your brain for the bulk of the game. Most other interesting characters are either killed off or just straight up vanish like distant traffic. Here's a breakdown of the characters you encounter in the game:

Jackie Welles - the best character in the entire game by far, and a loyal friend of the main character. 50% of the total development time went to developing this character and killing him off in the prologue.

Johnny Silverhand - the rockerboy who nuked Amazon HQ and got his brain stored on a USB stick. The entire main story revolves around him being a cancer in your brain and slowly killing you as you relive his memories of being a ♥♥♥♥ to everyone. He eventually learns to be less of a ♥♥♥♥ but this is ultimately up to the player's choice.

Judy Alvarez - a lesbian game dev working for a female gang making VR porn games. Gamer simps drool over her because you can have lesbian sex if you can get through her questline that revolves around overthrowing the CEO of sexism.

Panam Palmer - brash, rude and hot-headed former member of the Avocados or whatever. Their leader hates her the entire time but at the end makes her a leader too because she stole a flying tank from a corporation and helped defend them from a rival group with your help. You can't romance her as a woman so her questline ends up being completely pointless and you have nothing else to look forward to.

Adam Smasher - a terrifying monstrosity that towers over any other character in the game. This dude is more machine than human and comes equipped with a rocket launcher, hot water dispenser and espresso maker, making him a formidable opponent. You see him early in the game and immediately know you're going to have an epic boss battle with him at the end. The "epic boss battle" ends up being underwhelming as he's just your regular bullet sponge with rockets. His backstory is non-existent aside from Silverhand's personal history with him and a few mentions of his name. Who the ♥♥♥♥ is this massive cyborg, how did he become so spooky and why he works for Jeff Bezos is a mystery until you exit the game and read the wiki.

Goro Takemura - personal bodyguard of Tekashi 6ix9ine. He gets framed for his employer's murder and teams up with you to bring truth to light by kidnapping his employer's daughter and trying to convince her that he didn't kill her dad. His backstory is interesting, and you get to know him well enough to feel sad when he dies. If you manage to save him like I did, he just tells you "let's just be friends" and ghosts you.

That aside, the art and environment is where Cyberpunk 2077 shines. The team responsible for creating assets, building the game world and polishing the atmosphere did such an amazing job that I spent the majority of my time in the game revelling in their work, parkouring around the city and sightseeing. Each district of the city truly has its own unique feel. It is a shame that much of it went to waste or used purely for background purposes. Most players will likely not scale the many residential buildings in Kabuki or manage to get outside of the map boundaries, nor will they truly feel immersed because every other aspect of the game is shallow.

I enjoyed the game but it's not what we were promised throughout the entire marketing campaign, even up until the launch. What you get is Borderlands-style bullet sponge gunplay with Deus Ex: HR stealth with hacking mechanics. If that's your cup of tea, then pick it up and you will enjoy it.

7/10; Wholesome Keanu Big Chungus 100.