"Nice beaver!" (after Jane climbs a ladder and hands him a stuffed beaver)

"I'm Lieutenant Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!"

"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes."

"I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!"

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?" - "I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith."

"It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press."

"Cigarette?" - "Yes, I know."

"I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."

"Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50-50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that."

"Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again."

"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through."

"Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before: birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights."

"The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!"

"A wedding? I love weddings. Drinks all around!"

"Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested."

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one, with as little dribbling as possible."

"When I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy."

"You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan."

"Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest for one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat."

"Bingo! I got a line on Ed's nose!"

"Do you realize that because of you, this city is being overrun by baboons?" - "Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?"

"It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press."

"I promise you, whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest for one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat."

"Ed, I don't know how you got here, but I'm glad to see you."

"Just think! The next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested."

"A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums." (Referring to a statue that was knocked over)

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."

"Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through."

"I don't know why we have to cut down the redwood tree, but I bet it has something to do with the lumber industry."

"A woman is like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds. It makes ice."

"That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there." - "Sex, Frank?" - "Uh, no, not right now, Ed."

"I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!"

"Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes."

"Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that's gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us."

"This is our hill. And these are our beans. You don't get that right away, but you do in time."

"You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan."