Male, 54
642 Lbs 6’8”
Behemoth.

Professional spitter, single father of 8 beautiful children sporting facial hair (both M/F), strength of a pure homunculus.
I can lift a full grown horse in the air with nothing but my bare nipples.

Life Motto:
Hairline receding since birth,
Destine to be a lovable Uncle.

Acquired a lovable pinhead tuft that is also wind-tested and aviation certified.
Full bred American (1000% white male.) Negative points on retardation.
I have 50 birthmarks on one of my ass cheeks 13 stripes on the other from my lawn chair to unsure my Americanism is visible from the rear. Naturally grow a Hulk Hogan-esk goatee which solidifies my pure luck of not being spawned in Brazil.
I also have the screech of an air horn and can reach the maximum dbs that can potentially pierce an eardrum of an 18 ton shrew.
I have a deadly side eye that is often mistaken as a lazy eye, if you get caught in it’s gaze you will get disintegrated into brown paste that is destructive to most carpets.
My skin is similar to a harlequin baby where it acts as an armor to protect me from my many enemies except for my lotion allergy weakness in-which turns my flesh into a wet paper bag-like texture.
I am a great secret holder, my whispers are inaudible, and I can hear a toddler smack their noodle off a table from a mile away.
Amazing preacher, I once convinced an entire army of Puerto Ricans to shut down the Panama Canal so I can sail my massive 2 bedroom house away from South America (TRUE STORY.)
I have once sniped an ox across an entire acre with a raw sneeze and ate nothing but it’s bones and organs for weeks to sustain my mental image of myself.