Recent reviews by 💙Very Scary Dragon💠

Incredibly cute and polished, hard to believe it's free. I'm actually hoping that a sequel that costs money comes out. I don't think I can recommend anything higher than that.

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Worth buying for the emotes alone (see comments!). Especially while it's on sale.

In real life, Hitler had a deformed micropenis and only 1 ball. Must be why you only ever use sex toys on the girls in the game, and not an actual 🍆.

Very historically accurate, down to little (ha) details like that. 10/10.

I wish there were an undo button. Specifically, I wish I could undo all the life choices that led to me acquiring this game.

The poster with a muton wearing a dress is forever burned into my brain, now.

For reference: https://cdna.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/026/183/136/large/daniella-zeman-alienpsas.jpg?1588106387

Is it bad that I remember the characters and stories from Gay Furry Sex Bejeweled a lot more clearly than most of the characters and plotlines of most of the AAA games I played last year?

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I first met Sparkles as he lay screaming, tied to a stone altar in the middle of the forest. Moonlight glinted off their steely knives as the cultists of Leshy advanced toward me. Towards their deaths. As the last of their dying screams faded away, I could see the gratitude in the bound giraffe's eyes. Gratitude and... perhaps something else?

Sparkles. He said his name was Sparkles, and he was among the first to join my flock. After some days passed, and Sparkles overcame his natural fear and awe of me, he begged me to save his brother, Hejuljul. They had been walking through Darkwood together when they were beset by Leshy's minions, and Sparkles had stayed behind as a distraction, giving his little brother time to escape, hopefully.

"Of course," I told him, in the most reassuring of bleats, "your brother yet lives, and he shall join our ranks and be brother to us all before the setting of the next blood moon." And sure enough, I came across Hejuljul on my very next crusade, in much the same situation as I had found Sparkles. "At last, we have you! You didn't think you could hide for long, did you?" shrieked the priest of Leshy, his shrill voice piercing the still night air. Naturally, I made sure that his dagger pierced only air, as well. Truly, I don't think any other cadre of the Old Faith has fallen before me so quickly and effortlessly. My cultists were awestruck upon my eventual return, with not just Hejuljul, but the now-cowed Valefar in tow, as well. There was nothing I could not do, and I made certain all who followed me knew it well.

As more and more found their way into my fleecy arms, Sparkles' status rose. He quickly became my left-hand man, my loyalty enforcer. Even before his brother's rescue, he had always been the first to sing my praises (often literally), and shout down anyone who dared question me, so it was only natural. When I found a Skull Necklace among the defeated Leshy's trinkets, what other minion could possibly claim to be worthy enough of such a gift? Of course it would be Sparkles who would endure and prosper by my side, for a very long time to come.

It wasn't long after that, when Sparkles asked me to marry his brother, who was far, far too shy (and more than a little afraid) to ask himself. And I must admit, I know not what my reaction would have been, had Hejuljul asked himself. But how could I deny my most loyal follower anything?

The wedding was short, as all of our customs and rituals are, but Hejuljul was ecstatic. As was Sparkles, but perhaps there was a trace of longing to his gaze, as I kissed his brother? The truth came soon enough, after just 2 more crusades into Anura. Sparkles proposed to me as well, insisting that "brothers share everything," and "it's your cult anyway, you can marry as many people as you want!" And again, how could I say no to the most devoted of my flock?

It seems like the days flew past almost as quickly as my enemies fell before me, after that. I scarcely even remember my battles with Heket and Kallamar. What I recall far, far more vividly are the wild celebrations afterwards, surrounded by jubilant followers. And the nights with my beloved Sparkles and Hejuljul after those...

But one day, Sparkles came to me with a final request. As I looked into his face, which was finally showing the faintest lines of age, I realized he was already 87 years old, nearly twice the age most of my cultists tended to keel over from overwork and malnutrition. We had spent over 60 years together, thanks to the Skull Necklace. It had been so long, and we were so close to the final victory! I was to fight Shamura my very next crusade, the very next dawn.

And Sparkles had been there by my side the whole time,

Loyal Sparkles, who had never once questioned my decisions, or had the faintest doubts. Devoted Sparkles, who had always put the needs of the flock before his own, even asking me to marry his brother before himself. Faithful Sparkles, the most dyed-in-the-wool of all my followers, who had asked for so little, and given so much, during his unnaturally long life. A long life which was almost certainly nearing its end, for the Skull Necklace can only do so much to stave off the inevitable. Yet again, I could deny him nothing, especially with his twilight years surely looming so close. "Ask anything of me, and it shall be granted," I baa'd gentle reassurance into his ear. He was silent for a long, long while, before he finally spoke.

"Benevolent Leader, please don't judge me, but... I've always wanted to eat a meal made of poop! Will you help me satisfy this dark desire?"