"If you're in trouble he will save the day
He's brave and he's fearless come what may
Without him the mission would go astray

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
Without him life would be much grimmer
He's handsome, trim, and no-one slimmer
He will never need a zimmer

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
More reliable than a garden strimmer
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer

Master of the wit and the repartee
His command of space directives is uncanny
How come he's such a genius?
Don't ask me!

Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
He's also a fantastic swimmer
And if you play your cards right
Then he just might come round for dinner

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
No rhymes left now apart from quimmer
We hope they fade us out before we get to schlimmer
Fade out you stupid plimmer"