I want an Adam Sandler Movie where he plays Adam Sandler, being confused by russian mafia members in a hotel lobby for Ben Stiller, who kidnap him due to a huge unpaid human trafficking debt.

They start to torture Sandler as he tries to explain that they got the wrong guy, and starts listing movies that he was in, so the Russians start talking in russian to each other and you hear them start saying Adam Sandler movie titles and laughing going "ya, ya" ect, and then one of them mentions Pixels, and they all just get really quiet with angry looks on their faces, followed by a cutaway of Sandler being shocked in the balls with a car battery.

After a while another Russian guy shows up sees it is the wrong guy, but instead of letting Sandler go, tasks him to lead a group of heavily armed Russians to go collect Ben Stiller "since they both are in movies, and thus are obviously close friends".

So at some point they make it to Ben Stillers house were the Russians go on a rampage shooting pretty much anything and everything with no rhyme nor reason, and Sandler manages to escape with Stiller into Bens "secret safe room".

Stiller offers Sandler a smoothy in the darkened room and at first taste Sandler remarks how it tastes like feet, and Stiller goes on about how it's actually incredibly healthy and contains all the nutrients the human body needs in one cup, and how it will make him feel like a new man, but as they both sit and drink, and Sandlers eyes adjust to the dark room he starts to notice a very grim motif to the safe room as everything is apparently made out of human body parts, as he nervously goes to take another sip of smoothy toes bob up to the drinks surface, prompting a puking fit, and Stiller proceeding to explain himself that since "You are what you eat", and since he "wanted to remain fully human", he obviously had to eat other humans.

Sandler manages to escape from the underground safe room only to find himself in a labyrinthine underground horror factory, as Stiller makes a phone call to the faceless head of the MPAA drinking a baby leg bloody mary, "we have a leak"

Passing freezer rooms full of butchered bodies, and eventually coming upon cells full of the latest fresh batch of recently purchased people, Sandler helps bust out the still living from their cells including a VERY "thankful" Optometrist who he is "totally not interested in at all due to being a married man".

As they continue to make their way out of Ben's mansion they come across what is left of the Russian mafia commandos, most of whom had already fallen victim to Stiller's nightmarish security measures leaving only 3 remaining.

They make it back to the Russians van, and speed away, thinking they have made a clean getaway. Sandler then confronts the Russians concerning the whole cannibalism matter who are absolutely shocked and thought that "he just wanted to buy girls cuz he was lonely, and ugly", followed by the whole confusing him for Sandler thing, but as they are driving they are suddenly attacked by MPAA owned vehicles forced into hiding out in a closed mall.

The masked MPAA Cannibal henchmen exit their vehicles by the dozen, and as they descend upon the mall one of their leaders removes their mask revealing themselves to actually be Drew Barrymore barking orders to other heavily armed celebrity figures.

Sandler and company meanwhile are discovered by the malls lone security officer "Paul", who catches their trespass as they dove into a closed Lenscrafters. Sandler instantly recognizing him, asks "Kevin?", and James immediately and flusterdly responds, "No, NOT Kevin, Paul!", and goes to hushed whispers "They want me to make a third movie, and I don't want my entirely legacy to suck, so I NEED to knock this next one out of the park, So it's PAUL." Sandler nods knowingly While "Officer Blart" is placing them under arrest Optometrist girl is hanging out with the Russians, and apparently fitting them for glasses, which amazes the Russians to a huge degree as none of them were aware that they were all practically blind. One of the Russians now able to see points at Blart and starts to say "Isn't that K.." Before being interrupted by Sandler "No No, thats just Paul, professional mall security officer"...

Blart's arrest of the group is suddenly interrupted as the cannibal celebrities break in at every entrance, but prove no match for the suddenly envisioned Russians who take on the entire group, making insane shots one after another until they run out of ammo and are consequently gunned down by the remaining Barrymore, who stops to cut off and eat one of their ears like a piece of chewing gum before heading to the security office the others are hiding in while watching the CTV cameras of the events.

Stiller meanwhile addresses them from the parking lot with a loud speaker, once again inviting Sandler to join the rest of the "beautiful people", and pointing out that they would have more followers showing up soon.

Realizing that they cannot simply wait it out at the mall, they make their way to the parking garage in their attempt to find a vehicle and escape, on the way running into Barrymore, who is especially pissed off at Sandler for not joining the cult due to their past, and that she always assumed that he was part of the group, and how disgusted she was that she let him kiss her in 50 First Dates, and all those other ♥♥♥♥ movies.

This eventually culminates in a fist fight brawl between Sandler and Barrymore, with Sandler handily getting his ass brutally kicked, until Paul Blart Runs her over with his trusty Segway, blood violently splattering across the walls.

They continue to the parking garage where Stiller lies in wait with a cohort of robed disciples, "There is someone I would like you to meet." Stiller says, as one of the robed figures steps forward, revealing herself as Sandlers wife Jackie Sandler, "Well how else do you think I stay looking this good?" She says, As Adam steps back in horror. "It is just how the world works" Stiller proceeds to go on "We, you, and me, the beautiful people", "we need to stay beautiful forever, and it is the duty of the masses to feed our beauty!"

Disgusted, but out numbered the group wildly pyramids onto Blart's segway being chased to the upper levels of the parking garage, motorcycling cult members meeting their end one after another at the hands of Blart's superior driving skills, until they reach the top and have nowhere else to go, Stiller, and Jackie somehow already there waiting.

"Come on Adam? If you won't join us for yourself, surely you'll join us for your wife?" As Adam turns to Jackie she quickly hides one of the Russians hands she had been eating, "What? I was hungry. :(". "Well if you aren't going to be with us, your against us."

Stiller and Adam square off, while Jackie and the Optometrist begin a sexy catfight. Blart eats a mysterious Doughnut that appears as if from nowhere while pretty much exclusively watching the catfight which quickly turns absolutely brutal as they lay into each other like professional prize fighters.

Stiller and Adam wage a battle which quickly degrades into comical insults, slaps, and eye poking, as neither of them is very good at fighting, eventually ending up with Ben Stiller's weave being pulled from his head and thrown from the rooftop with him jumping after it to his death.

After all this time the police finally show up break up the other fight, arresting Mrs. Sandler. There is a touching moment between Adam and the Optometrist as they leave the scene together, with her once again flirting with him, and him being a bit more receptive this time, and her asking him "I thought you were a married man?", and him responding "Yeah, I think I might be getting a divorce....♥♥♥♥ what am I going to tell the kids?!" The scene fades away back into the mall flying by all of the past carnage centering in on Drew Barrymore's body in a pool of ti