OPENING SEQUENCE: A FAIRYTALE BOOK
Voiceover: Shrek
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a
fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a
castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep
in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.
(laughs) (Page is ripped out.)
CUT TO: OUTDOOR TOILET.
Voiceover: Shrek
Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (Toilet flush, Shrek bursts out from
toilet.) (Music plays: Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play.)
CUT TO: DAYTIME. THE SWAMP. CREDIT ROLL.
Montage of various Shrek activities. In a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre..
CUT TO: NIGHT. THE SWAMP.
It’s night time, the men from town have lit torches and are running into the swamp. They
arrive at Shrek’s home.
MAN 1
Think it's in there?
MAN 2
All right. Let's get it!
1
SHREK 1 SCRIPT
MAN 1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
MAN 3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll
make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
Actually, it's quite good on toast.
MAN 1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (He waves the torch at Shrek.)
(Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch.)
MAN 1
Right!
(The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly, the men roar loudly back.
His long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the
dark.)
SHREK
(Whispers to Man 1.) This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to run away. He laughs.) And stay out!
(He looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale
creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.)
CUT TO: DAYTIME. THE FOREST.
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people
for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. We see Peter Pan,
Tinkerbell, the seven dwarves, Gipetto and Pinocchio, and the three little pigs.
2
SHREK 1 SCRIPT
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD (taking the witch's broom)
Give me that! Your flying days are over! (Breaks the broom in half.)
HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on! Sit down there! Be quiet!
LITTLE BEAR
(Crying.) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change.
Please! Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (His nose grows.)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
(Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.)
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
3
SHREK 1 SCRIPT
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey just looks up at her.)
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you
boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (Pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk.
I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out
and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He
gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. )
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
4
SHREK 1 SCRIPT
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!
The pixie dust begins to wear off.
DONKEY
Uh-oh.
He begins to sink to the ground. He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him!
Donkey takes of running.
HEAD GUARD
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Donkey looks scared when he
spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and
transport you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
Shrek looks behind the guard and the guard turns to see that all other men have
5
SHREK 1 SCRIPT
deserted him. The guard runs off, too. Shrek laughs and begins walking back to his
cottage. Donkey follows.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you?
Listen, you was really, really somethin' back here.
Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...
Shrek turns around and Donkey is gone.
SHREK
me?
Shrek turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.
SHREK
Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you!
Can I tell you that you that you was great back there?
Those guards! They thought they was all of that.
Then you showed up, and bam!
They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods.
That really made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
6
SHREK 1 SCRIPT
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom
with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends.
And I'm not goin' out there by myself.
Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea!
I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine.
Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary.
If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
your breath certainly will get the job done,
'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something,
'cause you breath stinks! Man!
You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...
Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.
DONKEY
...then I ate some rotten berries.
Man, I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.
SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I'll tell you why.
(Singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me,
My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me,
But you gotta have faith...
7
SHREK 1 SCRIPT
SHREK
Stop singing!
Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
DONKEY
(Looks all the way up at Shrek.)
Uh ...really tall?
SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know.
"Grab your torch and pitchforks."
Doesn't that