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28 of 28 (100%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 1:21pm

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 1:25pm

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 1:25pm

Meet Your Maker

Penetrate God.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 2:12pm

Summer Job

Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Unlocked 21 Jun, 2019 @ 12:20am

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 1:42pm

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.
Unlocked 21 Jun, 2019 @ 1:15am

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Unlocked 21 Jun, 2019 @ 1:11am

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 2:28pm

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 3:06pm

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Unlocked 21 Jun, 2019 @ 12:44am

Paperwork

Submit your monthly physical report.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 1:44pm

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Unlocked 21 Jun, 2019 @ 12:26am

Appalling Appetite

You should see a doctor immediately.
Unlocked 21 Jun, 2019 @ 12:27am

Clumsy

Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 2:42pm

A Better John

Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Unlocked 18 May, 2018 @ 3:18pm

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
Unlocked 21 May, 2018 @ 12:14pm

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
Unlocked 21 May, 2018 @ 2:01am

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Unlocked 21 May, 2018 @ 1:55am

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Unlocked 21 May, 2018 @ 1:55am

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
Unlocked 21 May, 2018 @ 12:14pm

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.
Unlocked 23 Jun, 2018 @ 2:36am

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
Unlocked 21 May, 2018 @ 1:51am

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
Unlocked 21 Jun, 2019 @ 1:21am

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
Unlocked 21 May, 2018 @ 12:33pm

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
Unlocked 19 May, 2018 @ 11:01am

Autopaedicatio

Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Unlocked 19 May, 2018 @ 10:49am

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.
Unlocked 23 Jun, 2018 @ 2:25am