I am a CIA agent and professional anarcho-fetus paid millions to promote synthetic left hogwash detailing the genocide of Uyghurs in China, the crimes of the Assad regime, the superiority of egalitarian solutions to statist hierarchies, and myths about the size, width, length, and coloration of Caleb Maupin’s penis. I am an enemy of international socialism. I am a Falun Gong zealot descended from Kulak class-collaborators and bourgeois intellectuals. I am a Vaush top-donater. I am a card-carrying member of multiple Trotskyite organisations. I am a Mike Bloomberg supporter and State Department intern. I am agent of Goldstein and a spy in the pay of Eurasian intelligence. I shot Stalin and peed on his pants to make him look bad. I am a Capitalist Roader.