CHARMING: For he was the bravest...

Charming takes off his helmet, revealing himself to be the narrator's voice. He continues to speak aloud.

CHARMING: ... and most handsome…

He takes off his hair net and dramatically swishes his hair.

CHARMING: ... in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss...

He sprays air freshener in his mouth.

CHARMING: ... would break the dreaded curse.

Charming continues through the abandoned castle and reaches the princess's tower.

INT. - THE PRINCESS'S TOWER

He enters the princess's room and makes his way to her bed where a figure lays down, obscured by the bed's curtains.

CHARMING: He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her--

Charming pulls the curtain and gasps; the figure is no princess--its the Big Bad Wolf. The wolf, busy reading a magazine, is annoyed by the interruption.

WOLF: What?

CHARMING: Princess…Fiona?

WOLF: No!

CHARMING: Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?

WOLF: She’s on her honeymoon.

CHARMING: Honeymoon? With whom?!

----

We see various scenes from Shrek and Fiona's honeymoon. They break into a giant gingerbread house and stay night. In the morning Little Red Riding Hood knocks on the door, fleeing in terror after Shrek and Fiona answer the door. They take the basket she left and have a picnic on the beach. A wave crashes over Shrek and Fiona as they makeout in the sand and the Little Mermaid takes Fiona's place. Fiona drags the mermaid by the tail, and throws her into the sea into a group of sharks. Later, Shrek has some dwarves forge Fiona's wedding ring. They run happily thru a meadow where an angry mob emerges chasing after them. Shrek gets caught a trap and villagers surround Fiona, who fends them off. They take turns farting in a mud bath, using fairies trapped in jars for light. They kiss in the moonlight, transitioning to...

EXT. - SWAMP

...their arrival back at Shrek's swamp.

SHREK: It’s so good to be home!

Shrek scoops Fiona about in his arms and walks to the door of his home.

SHREK: Just you and me and…

Singing can be heard from inside.

INT. - SHREK'S HOUSE

They open the door to find Donkey laying in Shrek's chair.

DONKEY: [singing] Two can be as bad as one…

SHREK: Donkey?

Shrek sets Fiona down.

DONKEY: Shrek! Fiona! Well aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ‘bout a side of sugar for the steed?

SHREK: Donkey, what are you doing here?

DONKEY: Oh! I was just taking care of your love nest for you.

SHREK: Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants?

Shrek gestures to piles of mail stacked on a stool and potted plants that have withered away.

DONKEY: Yeah, and feeding the fish!

SHREK: I don’t have any fish.

DONKEY: You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona.

Donkey walks over to a fish bowl. The water is rancid and the two fish are clearly dead.

DONKEY: That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your…[mumbling]

SHREK: Oh, will you look at the time! Well I guess you’d better be going.

Shrek opens the front door and beckons Donkey to head out.

DONKEY: Hey wait a minute, don’t you want to tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?

Donkey runs back over to the fireplace and Shrek groans in frustration.

FIONA: Um, actually--Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon?

DONKEY: Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately...so I thought I’d move back in with you guys!

FIONA: Well you know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey.

Fiona kneels down to pat Donkey on the head, then Shrek puts his hands on her shoulders.

SHREK: But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together.

Donkey smiles and stares at Shrek, not taking the hint.

SHREK: Just with each other.

Donkey continues to stare.

SHREK: Alone.

DONKEY: Say no more, say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you!

SHREK: Donkey!

DONKEY: Yes, roomie?

SHREK: You’re bothering me.

DONKEY: Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess uh… me and Pinocchio was gonna catch a tournament, anyway, so uh.... maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or somethin'.

Donkey solemnly walks out the door and shuts it behind him.

SHREK: He’ll be fine. Now, where were we?

Fiona puts her hands on his arm.

SHREK: Oh. I think I remember.

The two giggle and Shrek takes her in his arms. He leans her over for a kiss, but they are interrupted by Donkey, who is suddenly standing next to them again.

SHREK: Donkey!

In his surprise, Shrek drops Fiona to floor. He leans down to pick her up.

DONKEY: I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going! Hey, but what do you want me to tell these other guys?

Donkey opens the door, and Shrek and Fiona look up, puzzled.