You open the door, and oh ♥♥♥♥, it’s your horrible neighbor, Howie McGowan. Howie is always drinking a quart of milk wherever he goes. He slurps it so loudly. He is the worst. His son was eaten by rats in the background of a “Got Milk?” commercial starring Lance Armstrong, so now the Dairy Farmers of America sends him free milk in the mail as compensation. He will never run out of milk. In the middle of the night, he sits in his kitchen with the lights off slurping it down with so much volume that the sound of it wakes you up in your bed.
Howie sips deep on his milk. His gurgling is the stuff of nightmares. Finally, he speaks: “As you know, my son was recently eaten by rats in 2004 when he snuck onto the set of a ‘Got Milk?’ commercial and fell into the giant cage of rats he had brought from home. Before he died, he had purchased a ticket to see Grease on Broadway 12 years from the day that he died. That day is today.”