Hello.

It gives me great displeasure to proclaim that I have recently embarked on a search through Steam to find a very particular and specific profile. However, I have accidentally stumbled upon yours, this is where the negative news commences. You see, I have become sexually charged upon viewing your digitally transmitted profile image. I then acted upon the desires that have been genetically implanted into my conscious and fornicated over said previous photo. When I reached the climax of this act I ejaculated over a certain area of your digital photos. I felt very gay after this act and self harmed for doing such a devilish activity. I hope for you to accept my apology for doing this and putting you through so much spiritual trauma. If at any point during today you experienced ethereal sexual pleasure do not worry, it was most likely just me or any of my relatives as your photo was framed just above the local glory hole in my town.

Thank you for your time and imagery.