What does it mean to be immortal? For some, it simply means living forever. For others, it means surviving events which would lead to the demise of lesser beings. But for me, it means something else. Something different. Something... greater.

I first began to ponder this question at the tender young age of 90. Sun above, what a fool I was back then. I had just returned from the funeral of my last surviving friend from high school. I looked in the mirror at my flawless, smooth face, and all I could see was the wizened face of my friend as she lay in her casket, her departed soul so peaceful and content in the world beyond. We were the same age. This was over 2500 years ago now, and I still see her when I look in the mirror each morning.

There is something humbling about living life this long, watching newborns age, become old and weak, knowing their lives are but specks in the greater scheme of things, but you are the one that has been chosen for a higher purpose. There is something profoundly sad about being aware of love, but always being afraid to search it out for yourself because you're aware you will outlive any affection you feel for anypony else. But more than anything else, there is a feeling of helplessness in immortality. A feeling that no matter what you do, your life is not your own, that it belongs to an even higher power.

That is what immortality means to me. It means being a slave to destiny, bonded forever to the purpose laid out for you. It means sucking on deez nonexistent alicorn nutz boii cuz you just been punked! Man, you humans really are gullible. You think I'm upset that I get to live forever? There's not a lick of truth in any of that. I'm perfectly content with my life, thank you VERY much. My... endless, soul-crushing... daily duties... I love 'em! I wouldn't have it any other way. *sighs*

So since you've gotten this far, and I apparently still have your attention, allow me to stomp on of your suppositions about Equestria. Just because I get off on that sort of thing. No for real, I'm marespreading right now, getting myself good and ready to crush your dreams.

-The character "Twilight Sparkle" is not a real pony. The others are, but she's an actress. No mortal can actually hope to control the solar cycle, nor can regular ponies be made into alicorns on a whim. Her real name is -REMOVED BY HASBRO- You better watch yourself sunwhorse, we have given you leeway because you're a limitlessly-powerful immortal being but we still OWN you.

-Luna's not even that cutely petite, she was sized down in post to make her more adorable. We're goddesses ffs!

-Fluttershy is a chain-smoker who smells like an ashtray.

-Rainbow Dash is asexual. Sorry to ruin your fantasy, mate, whatever you were hoping she was into.

-The real Sweet Apple Acres was closed decades ago because it was a front for an illegal meth operation. Industrial Light & Magic did a bang-up job making the so-called "Apple Family" look realistic in every scene they were in.

-Prostitution is legal in Equestria, and you don't even live here! Ha!

-I do not have the power to turn you into a pony and/or transport you to Equestria, nor can your soul go to Equestria when you die.

Mmm, that was so good, babe. Was it good for you too? Now get outta my face, I gotta clean up. Send me a friend request too if you want as a reward for getting this far, I don't really care, but please don't ask to "RP" with me, I do enough of that with Luna. In bed. Oh!