big fat nerd

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I can’t ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ take it anymore. Whenever i see the name of American states and cities like “Albuquerque” my heart starts beating rapidly and i cannot control my breathing. When i see the word "Alaska" my mind thinks of the ACT 2. I see the word "Hunt" and my brain follows it up with exhales heavily "Down the Freeman" and Pain of the Secret plays in my head. I need to see a doctor but i cant even do that as everytime i go into a hospital my mind breaks as i drool from the thought of a fireman carrying a medkit and i get kicked out of the hospital when they see me spasming on the ground shouting “i need that medkit buddy”... I tried self-harming but i feel the pain nobody knows, or pain of the secret, the title of HDTF’s theme. I have contimplated suicide but whenever i try it i keep thinking that i am doing a Will reference and i cant even kill myself without it being a HDtF reference... God is dead and we have killed him.