SpongeBob: [pointing to the road] Truck! Sixteen wheels. Now I can show you how the pioneers hitchhiked. [starts dancing in the road while wearing a hat] Whee... eee... [Squidward sits on a rock while playing with a wooden spoon]

Swordfish trucker: Crashin' frashin' break dancers! [honks his truck]

Squidward: He's stopping! He's stopping! [Squidward realizes he's not stopping and grabs SpongeBob out of the way where they are covered in sand thanks to the truck. Squidward narrows his eyes at the smiling SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: [SpongeBob and Squidward are now in a place with heavy winds] The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza [The wind blows on Squidward's nose making it touch his face so he puts it down, only for it to touch his face again so he puts it in his mouth.] is the pizza free delivery. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza very ta-asty. [SpongeBob gets carried around in the air by the huge winds]

Squidward: Will you let go of that stupid pizza, already?!

SpongeBob: [still being carried around in the air] I can't, it's for the customer!

Squidward: Who cares about the customer?!

SpongeBob: I do!

Squidward: Well, I don't!

SpongeBob: [wind stops and SpongeBob gasps] Squidward! [starts flying again]

Squidward: Let go of that pizza!

SpongeBob: No! [runs over Squidward]

Squidward: Ow. [holding SpongeBob's legs] SpongeBob, let go of that pizza!

SpongeBob: No! It's for the customer!

Squidward: SpongeBob! Let go of the pizza! [lifts up into the tornado]

SpongeBob: No!

Squidward: SpongeBob! [looks down] Hang onto the pizza! [tornado spits them both out. SpongeBob uses the pizza as a parachute but Squidward falls hard onto the ground] Hey! Hey! [crawls up to the screen] Where's the road? Where's the road? [a tumbleweed rolls by] We're doomed! How are we gonna get home, which way do we go? [SpongeBob lands] What are we gonna do now! There's no road here!

SpongeBob: I think town's this way. [points]

Squidward: Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?

SpongeBob: That's right. [points to a mossy rock] Moss always points to civilization.

Squidward: That way? That way there? [SpongeBob nods] So, let me get this straight... you think that we should go that way?

SpongeBob: [nods again] Yep.

Squidward: Well, then I'm going this way. [heads the other way]

SpongeBob: Huh? Squid, wait! I don't think...

Squidward: Trust me, I know where I'm going. [Pans out to show another city in the other direction]

SpongeBob: [sings] The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza, absolutivally. [later] pizza... [starts beatboxing] pizza... [later, SpongeBob is walking backwards. SpongeBob's pants almost split into two and move up and down simultaneously while he continues to beatbox. Still later] Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza, yeah, for you and [falsetto] me! [later] Krab Pizza... for you. Krus... the Krusshy and the... Krab and the... pizza inside. [Later, they are both lying face down in the sand]

Squidward: Sponge, we gotta eat something.

SpongeBob: I heard in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral. [Squidward eats some coral] No, maybe it wasn't coral. [Squidward spits out the coral] Maybe it was sand, no, no, mud.

Squidward: Give me the pizza!

SpongeBob: Wait, I remember now. It was coral!

Squidward: Give it to me!

SpongeBob: No, we promised it's for the customer.

Squidward: [fancy music plays] You're right. It's for the customer.

SpongeBob: Yeah!

Squidward: Maybe we better check on it, make sure it's okay.

SpongeBob: Well?

Squidward: Just a peek. [opens box]

SpongeBob: [he shuts it quickly] Okay, it's fine.

Squidward: No, I think I saw something. [opens box] Oh, no. I was wrong. It looks okay. Sure is a fine-looking pizza.

SpongeBob: [entranced] Yeah...

Squidward: What's that? Is that the cheese?

SpongeBob: Yeah...

Squidward: And the pepperoni?

SpongeBob: Yeah...

Squidward: [SpongeBob slurps] Oh, looks good, huh?

SpongeBob: [snaps out of it] Wait a second, I know what you're trying to do, Squidward. [closes box] I'm not letting you eat the pizza!

Squidward: Give me the pizza!

SpongeBob: No!

Squidward: Don't make me take it away from you, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Get away! [runs off]

Squidward: [chases SpongeBob] Get back here, SpongeBob, give me the pizza!

SpongeBob: No!

Squidward: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: No!

Squidward: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: No!

Squidward: Wait! [he becomes too tired to run]

SpongeBob: No! No! [runs into Squidward]

Squidward: I want that pizza and you're gonna hand it over one way or another!

SpongeBob: Look, we're saved!

Squidward: Sure, we're saved. Now give me some pizza!

SpongeBob: No, really Squid, we're saved! We're saved! We're saved! [he jumps in and out of his pants]

Squidward: Will you cut that out?!

SpongeBob: [to a conga beat] Saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! [rips himself apart then the two parts go in circles and then they connect again. SpongeBob starts doing a conga dance] Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, we are saved!

Squidward: That's just a stupid boulder!

SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder. [sniff] It's a rock. [cries] A rock! A rock! It's a big beautiful, old rock. [climbs up it and rubs it] Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.

Squidward: SpongeBob, will you forget the stupid pioneers?! Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral and took directions from algae! And now, you're telling me they thought they could drive... [SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the boulder] ...rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!

SpongeBob: [they stop outside the customer's house] I can't wait to see the look on our customer’s face! [rings doorbell]

Customer: Yeah?

SpongeBob: Congratulations, sir. Your Krabby Patty pizza is here!

Customer: Wow, thanks! I've been dying for one of these. It... [he frowns, brief pause] Where's my drink?

SpongeBob: [confused] What drink?

Customer: [in an angry tone] My drink? My diet Dr. Kelp? Don't tell me you forgot my drink!

SpongeBob: [checks through the order, and sees no drink listed.] But, you didn't order any...

Customer: [yelling furiously] How am I supposed to eat this pizza without my drink?!

SpongeBob: But... but... [tears start rolling down his face]

Customer: Didn't you ever once think of the customer?! [throws the pizza box at SpongeBob's face] You call yourself a delivery boy?! Well, I ain't buying!! [slams the door. SpongeBob goes over to Squidward, smiling and trying not to cry]

Squidward: Sponge? Sponge? It's okay. Sponge? [SpongeBob drops the pizza, falls over, starts sobbing, and absorbs his tears over and over] Sponge? [SpongeBob continues sobbing. Squidward becomes furious. He grabs the pizza, stomps towards the customer's house and pounds on the door]

Customer: [answers the door, still angry] Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!

Squidward: [Customer's point of view] Well, this one's on the House! [brutally slams the pizza box in the customer's face]

SpongeBob: [still crying] Did he change his mind?

Squidward: [smugly] He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.

SpongeBob: [stops crying] No drink?

Squidward: Nah. Now take me home. [jumps up on the rock]

SpongeBob: Are you kidding? We have just enough time to make it back to work. [backs up the rock where they are instantly at the Krusty Krab]

Squidward: Work? [screen cuts to black] Oh, my aching tentacles!

Did you do it? Did you do it? Did you crunch the numbers, you did the research, you put the time in? You crunched the research, did you do the numbers? Did you fact check yourself? Did you rewrite history? Did you crunch the numbers, did you research it? Did my own research. Looked up a couple of things the other day, took me about 10 minutes. Found exactly what I needed to find but did you do it? Did you crunch the numbers? Did you look up the research? Did you find out the online synergy that allowed you to FULLY expand your workflow so that you could... Research, the topic at hand? Did you do your research? Where are your... Peer, reviews? Where is your... Reference, at? What research did you do huh? What research did you do? Where'd you get your research at huh? What's your... What's your... What's your uh... What's your source, huh? What are your sources huh? Where's your research at? Your peer-reviewed research huh? With its sources? What are your sources huh? Where are your sources at huh? What's the research that you've done huh? I did 10 minutes of research, that's right 10 minutes of research online and I found out more than you or any egghead will ever know. Why should I believe in a scientist? I don't believe in anything that starts with an "S". Salami, salmon, ♥♥♥♥, I believe in none of that. I don't believe in any of that because I put in the time, I put in the work, I grinded and grinded for 10 MINUTES, researching everything I needed to know. I read the headlines, sure, I checked the comment section, that's right, I looked at the article for five seconds before deciding that some of the words were a little bit too big but the fact remains, I did the research, I put in the time, I crunched the numbers. I crunched the research, I did the time. I put in the research. Yeah. But did you do it huh? Did you conduct experiments, resulting in something that would come up as... As logic, as reason, as fact huh? Yeah well my mom knows more than you and I trust her more than I EVER will. Yeah why don't you go outside and talk to some real people out there? REAL people, down in the dirt, down in the MUD, about what they're doing down there, what the REAL truth is huh? What the REAL facts are huh? What the REAL factual information is huh? Because I don't believe in your facts. Because I don't have a fax machine, and I don't- I don't- I don't need one to understand that I did the research. What you have said does not matter to me. What you have said will NEVER matter to me. You can't get it through my very thick, protective skull. I've done the research, I've put in the numbers and I've eaten the time. I've crunched it down, into little itty-bitty bites that are easy to consume and absorb into my body. I did the research and I understand things better than you could ever understand you see, I absorb information at an EXPONENTIAL RATE. That means that I absorb information really, really big and really, really fast. I don't know what the word "exponential" means exactly but I do know that it's a big word that I learned the other day from my word calendar, sitting on my desk here, and I've put in the research and I've done the time and I've crunched the numbers. And the thing is, the fact of the matter is, the matter of fact thing is, is that you haven't, and you are such a precious, little child, of ignorance and shame, you are an EMPTY VESSEL, for the will of the Devil and you haven't done the research, and you haven't put in the time or the work, or the effort that is necessary for you to come to my level. You see, I'm at a level at which you'll never be able to reach. I can take in that information and take in that research and absorb it immediately. I can do my own research and figure out what researching is. I even looked up "research" on Wikipedia the other day to double check and make sure that I was researching my research to the ULTIMATE standard. The standards and practices that I put forward in my research, are BETTER than anything that you can ever do. You can't even begin to fathom or understand the research and work that I've put in on this topic. You can't even UNDERSTAND what I'm saying right now, with your dumb, baby ears. You're so stupid, your research is peer-reviewed, it's funded by scientists, it's funded by big science, yeah okay, yeah okay, yeah okay, I'm just supposed to believe that science is all good sometimes?That science is like... The- the- the best thing ever, that it's better than God and ♥♥♥♥♥? And America? And french fries? And hamburgers? And barbecue? And chicken custard? I- I- I suppose you think that YOU'RE better than me too huh? That you're so smart, that you went to a "university", that you went to a college huh? That you have a college degree huh? Yeah, you think you're better than me for understanding and knowing the research that I've done, the time that I've put in, the work that I've done, the work that I do. I spend day, after day, after day, going onto Facebook, and looking, at these pictures, and understanding that I understand more than you EVER. WILL. I don't know what "pseudo-intellectual" means, you can't call me that because I don't know what it means, and if you told me what it meant, then I would- it means that. Well I'm not that, I'm actually just an intellectual because I put in the research. When I say research, when I say the word "research", what that actually means is that I've put in the time and the research, I've crunched the numbers, I've figured it out. Y- y- you- you think you're better than me, because you can read real good huh? Well you don't understand, like I said, I- I've done the research, I've put in the time you know, and I think that on- on- on this topic, I think that I'm... I think that I'm correct, I think that I'm RIGHT. I- I BELIEVE that I'm right, and that belief is so strong that it overpowers the rest of my body, that even if you presented me factual, hard evidence or showed me, that I was wrong about this topic... Then I still wouldn't believe you. Because guess what? I've done the research, and I'm the protagonist of this world. Watashi wa me, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I put in the time and the research, to do what I have to do and figure out what is right for me, not as what is left for you, because what is right for me is much more important, I'm more important. I'm the center of this universe, you're just an NPC. You see, I'm on a quest right now to figure out some things and do some- do some research and- and the main quest is the quest to figure out how I can... BEAT THE ♥♥♥♥ out of you when it comes to this topic, and you're not gonna be able to stop me because I've done the research, I've put in the time, and I've crunched the numbers. And the fact of the matter is Kirby's not a very good game. What does he- What does he do, like, jump? I don't know, I... Yeah? No I don't- I don't care... I don't care... Do you think this Seinfeld bass line is like, haunted by the Devil? Yeah let me look at that up real quick... Yeah it is. Yeah I got it from seinfeld.biz . Yeah no th- that- that's real, it's true. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy. Yeah I just really... I- I- I- I just- well I gotta believe everything I read... No, well yeah, no I have- I have to. Well that's research right? It's just reading and believing, oka- Yeah. Yeah. You want to go get like a burger or something, no? Where you going? Oh you faded into the void, okay. Yeah that's cool, that's fine. Hm. Freaking ♥♥♥♥♥...