Dear Mayonnaise Girl,

I knew from the moment you first sat next to me that you had mayonnaise somewhere on you. I figured it was only for that one class. “Maybe she’s holding a jar for a friend,” I thought to myself. “Maybe she slipped and fell into a mayonnaise vat on her way to class.” None of my theories held up, however, as you came to the next class smelling exactly the same.

This opened up a whole new world of questions for me. Are you using mayonnaise as a moisturizer? Hair gel? And why do you keep sitting next to me? A few weeks ago, I purposely sat in between two other people, yet somehow, four minutes into class, I smelled that smell, looked to my right, and saw you sitting there as if nothing unusual was afoot. Is this whole thing an attempt to seduce me? Because even if I weren’t gay, it probably wouldn’t work.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s a culture thing. Or maybe you, Mayonnaise Girl, will forever remain an enigma.