It was awful.

I'm not a big fan of Lord of the Rings in general, and I'm certainly not a big fan of the films, but I need to tell my story. Things started off fairly typically. Yes, there would sometimes be extra traffic or certain roads closed off due to filming, which was annoying, but hardly a big problem in the great scheme of things. Some of the farmers complained because they didn't like some of the countryside being trampled by the large cavalry scenes and crew on set, but some of them also liked it because they were hired as extras for the Rohirrum and their horses got to be on screen. Things seemed to be going pretty well until, one day, we were told we had to remain in our houses for 48 hours while Jackson filmed the scene between Gandalf and the Balrog. I don't know if you can tell in the film just how massive the Balrog really is, and his temper is even worse when the cameras aren't rolling. I remember looking out my window and watching this guy stomp around, burning all the vegetation he stood upon, not to mention cracking his whip all night. My friend is a firefighter and he said they were on call 24/7 while the Balrog was on set. I asked him why they couldn't just use CGI for the Balrog, and he said that Jackson is apparently a real stickler for authenticity, and will always insist on the real thing. This was just the first week of filming, mind you.

A few months go by, and we're told the first film has wrapped and work on the second one is about to start. I remember thinking maybe the mishaps that had previously occurred were just down to the cast and crew getting familiar with the process of filming such a big franchise in a country that isn't used to major blockbusters being filmed there. I was wrong. The first issue was the fact that Jackson had hired 50 Uruk-Hai for the kidnapping of Merry and Pippin. A friend of mine who worked as a sound guy on set said these guys were just the worst. They were rude, they'd threaten people on set, including the actors, and would genuinely try and hurt the actors and stuntmen in fight scenes. You know that bit where the leader throws a knife at Aragorn and he deflects it? That wasn't in the script at all. This maniac threw a massive knife at one of the stars of the movie! Luckily, Viggo, I think his name is, managed to deflect the knife just in time. You'd think Jackson would be concerned by such behaviour, but no, he loves authenticity, so he actually CHEERED when it happened and included it in the final cut.

Things were even worse off set. Obviously, the film crew and actors like to go out and get something to eat and have a few beers in the evening, which is usually welcomed since it brings in some extra cash, but it got to a point where you DREADED the Uruks coming into your bar or restaurant. I worked as a waiter in a fairly fancy restaurant at the time, and one night these Uruks came in. Things started off okay, but things quickly got nasty when it came time to order. The leader of the Uruks demanded that meat be brought out for him and his men. He didn't specify what kind of meat, just kept saying "MEAT!" We'd recently had an outbreak vegan domestic terrorists in New Zealand at the time, meaning a lot of our farm animals had to be destroyed, implying there was a real paucity of meat and poultry for a few months. Our waiter tried to explain that we currently only had vegetarian or fish dishes on the menu, but the Uruk wouldn't have it. He lept up, brought out a massive sword, and cut open a Maori boy that was owned by a couple on the next table. Everyone stared in horror as he yelled to his men "LOOKS LIKE MEAT'S BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS!" I quit that night and I'm glad I did. Jackson later hired another TEN THOUSAND Uruks to film the Helm's Deep battle, and they were all just as bad. If you're wondering how this incident didn't make headlines, you can thank New Line's lawyers for that.

At this point I also want to say how awful the main cast of the films were as well. Some of this I've heard from others, some I experienced myself, but it's safe to say none of them are fondly remembered here. My girlfriend at the time worked in a small bar near one of the sets, and she told me that Viggo, Orlando Bloom, and John Rhys Davies would come in most nights after filming for the day. Obviously, she's had to deal with A LOT of horrible drunks in her days as a bartender, and while she said they never outright aggressive or rude, they were the weirdest people she'd ever served, which is really saying something for a dive bar in NZ. Firstly, Orlando would spend all his time showing attractive women footage of that bit where he weirdly swings up onto a horse. It's obviously CGI, but he'd INSIST that he did it in real life and in one take. He would also say that all the arrows he fired were real and that his amazing skill for archery was because he was a descendant of the real Robin Hood. Safe to safe, she never saw him go home with anyone. Viggo was also weird but in a different way. He would sit at the bar nursing his drink all evening, and every single time someone came to the bar to order, he'd catch their eye and say "I broke my toe kicking a helmet." They'd give him a puzzled look and he'd just stare down at his drink and start mumbling some Elvish song to himself. Meanwhile, John would stride around the bar, going up to patrons, bellowing "SEE, I'M ACTUALLY VERY TALL IN REAL LIFE!" It was odd, to say the least.

Anyway, filming eventually wrapped on the second film, and it looked like the end was in sight when they started on the final one. We hoped the worst was over, but we were wrong. As you know, the biggest battles and creatures are all featured in the final film, and this made living in NZ unbearable. The screeching of the Fell Beast in the second film was annoying, but tolerable, or at least not as bad as everything else. Now we had nine of them screeching day and night. Obviously, they fly, so after filming they'd fly all across NZ at all hours, just screeching and stealing livestock. Farmers were told that anyone who harmed them would face prosecution and a hefty fine since they were technically endangered species. As if that wasn't bad enough, Jackson insisted that Minus Morgal should light up for real, meaning there was this massive beam of light shining into the sky for three nights in a row. You could literally see it from anywhere in NZ, and your room still glowed even when the blinds were shut. A lit-up room and constant screeching means no one was sleeping well during that time.

Things reached a head when Jackson once again wanted the real thing. That's right, he had 20 Olyphants shipped to NZ for the final battle. So now we can add minor earthquakes to the screeching and constant light I've already touched on. These Olyphants were all male bulls, and if they decided to stomp their way through someone's farm, there was literally nothing you could do to stop them. At one point they came dangerously close to Wellington and the entire city had to be evacuated. Luckily, their wranglers were able to lure them away with some peanuts, but it was close and caused havoc. As if this wasn't bad enough, the production thought it was too costly to return the Olyphants to where they'd come from, and simply left them in NZ. There is now a small herd of Olyphants living in NZ, causing chaos because the production couldn't be bothered to take them back. It's caused no small amount of damage to the delicate ecosystem of NZ, and of course, they cause millions of dollars worth of damage every year. I would like to say that, while most of the people associated with those films were a massive pain, I have heard nothing but good things about the giant eagle who played Gwaihir. Unlike the rest of the cast and higher-ups in the crew, he was apparently lovely to the everyday crew, was always happy to chat with fans about the films, and even visited a few local schools to chat with the kids.

I feel like I've said a lot of negative things, and though they're true, I feel it's only fair to highlight the positives I heard as well. I never personally met her, but I've met many who have, and they only have nice things to say.

I've saved the worst until last. On the very last day of filming, just before everyone was due to fly home, Harvey Weinstein came to NZ to visit the set and congratulate the cast and crew. I'd happily let them reshoot the entire trilogy in my backyard if it means he never steps foot on NZ soil again.

In 2010 it was announced that The Hobbit trilogy would begin filming soon. I've since boarded up my house and am preparing for war.

Through Rohan over fen and field where the long grass grows
The West Wind comes walking, and about the walls it goes.
‘What news from the West, O wandering wind, do you bring to me tonight?
Have you seen Boromir the Tall by moon or by starlight?
‘I saw him ride over seven streams, over waters wide and grey,
I saw him walk in empty lands until he passed away
Into the shadows of the North, I saw him then no more.
The North Wind may have heard the horn of the son of Denethor,
‘O Boromir! From the high walls westward I looked afar,
But you came not from the empty lands where no men are.’

From the mouths of the Sea the South Wind flies, from the sandhills and the stones,
The wailing of the gulls it bears, and at the gate it moans.
‘What news from the South, O sighing wind, do you bring to me at eve?
Where now is Boromir the Fair? He tarries and I grieve.
‘Ask not of me where he doth dwell – so many bones there lie,
On the white shores and the dark shores under the stormy sky,
So many have passed down Anduin to find the flowing Sea.
Ask of the North Wind news of them the North Wind sends to me!’
‘O Boromir! Beyond the gate the seaward road runs south,
But you came not with the wailing gulls from the grey sea’s mouth’.

From the Gate of the Kings the North Wind rides, and past the roaring falls,
And clear and cold about the tower its loud horn calls.
‘What news from the North, O mighty wind, do you bring to me today?
What news of Boromir the bold? For he is long away.’
‘Beneath Amon Hen I heard his cry. There many foes he fought,
His cloven shield, his broken sword, they to the water brought.
His head so proud, his face so fair, his limbs they laid to rest,
And Rauros, golden Rauros-falls, bore him upon its breast.
‘O Boromir! The Tower of Guard shall ever northward gaze,
To Rauros, golden Rauros-falls, until the end of days.

A mile, maybe, from Parth Galen in a little glade not far from the lake he found Boromir. He was sitting with his back to a great tree, as if he was resting. But Aragorn saw that he was pierced with many black-feathered arrows; his sword was still in his hand, but it was broken near the hilt; his horn cloven in two was at his side. Many Orcs lay slain, piled all about him and at his feet.

Farewell, Aragorn! Go to Minas Tirith and save my people!