Vermin Supreme’s Presidential Platform

I’m a tyrant that you can trust. You should let me run your life because I know what is best for you.

Yes, I’m a politician. I will lie to you because I have no reason not to. I will promise your electorate heart anything you desire, because you are my constituents, you are the informed voting public, and I have no invention of keeping any promise that I make.

This election year, vote early, vote often, and remember, a vote for me, Vermin Supreme, is a vote completely thrown away.

My primary policy positions are as follows:

I stand for mandatory toothbrushing laws. Now friends, some people will tell you this mandatory toothbrushing law is about the DNA gene-splicing of winged monkeys to access tooth-training forces. No it is not. Nor is it about the dental reeducation centers. It is not about the preventive dental maintenance detention facilities. It is not about the government-issued toothpaste containing an addictive yet harmless substance. It is not about even the computer chip dental implants to keep track of you and your children. What this mandatory toothbrushing law is really about is strong teeth for a strong America.
Number two, zombie preparedness. America must be prepared for the upcoming zombie invasion. Yes and I am the only candidate who provides such a plan.
Time travel research. I am the only candidate who will go back in time and kill baby Hitler before he’s even born.
And last but not least, free ponies for all Americans. Yes it’s a Free Pony for All Americans Job Act. Just think of the jobs that will be created when all Americans have ponies. Oh yes, for sure. And not only that, but it’s a federal pony identification system, to identify you for your safety. And it will protect us from terrorists!
Thank you. My name is Vermin Supreme. I approve this message.