An apple a day keeps the doctor away... So go ahead and eat anything that looks like an apple.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

You all laugh because I'm different - I laugh because you're all the same.

My wife says picking my nose is disgusting, so now I have to do it myself.

When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.

War does not define who is right but who is left.

Government: If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done.

I wanna be buried face down so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass.

Negrosis:

The metamorphasis a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ goes through when they reach the pinnacle of wiggerness.

A condition of an essential bodily organ that occurs when one day it stops working and starts stealing nutrients from all the other organs.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you'll be a mile from them and you'll have their shoes.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Everything is perfect in the universe - even your desire to improve it.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Truth is something which can't be told in a few words. Those who simplify the universe only reduce the expansion of its meaning.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news.