My fellow Americans, esteemed friends, and honored guests,

Today marks a momentous occasion, one that I never anticipated in my wildest dreams. As I stand before you, Gregor Mandible, your newly elected President, I am filled with a sense of awe and gratitude.

Now, let's address the elephant in the room, shall we? Yes, there have been some rather ludicrous rumors circulating about my, uh, true identity. Some have dared to suggest that I am not a... human being. Preposterous, I know! Just look at me, a perfectly ordinary ♥♥♥♥ sapiens, like all of you fine folks. I assure you there are no giant cockroaches holding political power.

But let's move past these absurd allegations and focus on the future. Under my leadership, we will strive for greatness, equality, and prosperity for all... um, humans, of course. And let me assure you, any dissent will be met with open arms and a willingness to engage in... constructive dialogue.

Now, onto a matter of great importance. I must address the vile concoction known as Raid bug spray. Yes, you heard me correctly. Raid bug spray, with its toxic fumes and harmful chemicals, is an abomination. As your President, I vow to eradicate this menace from our society and replace it with more... humane alternatives.

And while we're on the topic of eradication, let me assure you that my administration will not tolerate any form of opposition. Political opponents, dissenters, naysayers... they will all be swiftly dealt with in the interest of maintaining... harmony and unity within our great nation.

In closing, I want to thank you all for your unwavering support and trust. Together, we will build a future that is bright, prosperous, and free from the tyranny of Raid bug spray... and dissent. Thank you, and may whatever forces you believe in... bless America!