Hi. I wanted to send this out in an effort to clear the air with all of you but additionally share with you a part of me that i don't talk about. I suffer from a disorder that i have recently come to know as self blame disorder. Basically in a nutshell i blame myself for everything and i can't forgive myself for any of it. Yesterday (may 5th) was an example of that. I was horrible to Myra, Faore and people i consider friends and respect. I have been on a downward spiral for a few years and i hid it well and unfortunately myra took the brunt of it. She tried her best to help me and help me cope with my problems. But i blamed myself for everything and when things would get really bad i would blame her and lash out sometimes like you have seen in teamspeak. Today on my birthday I had an episode after talking to myra where i cut ties with everyone and I admit contemplated taking my own life. Instead I reached out to my parents they came and helped me out and we really talked about my problems. I also looked into self blame and what it is and well its everything i am. So the way to help heal from this is to take accountability for what I have control over and forgive myself for it. After alot of soul searching and talks with my parents for a good few hours I realized what i needed to do. I need to take accountability for everything that I have done over the past years and forgive myself and i am going to try that. It wont be done in a few days or weeks it will take some time but I also need to stop punishing myself. I left Underdogs earlier today because i felt doing so was for the good of all of you. I felt i was doing you all a favor because you wouldn't have to deal with nasty old silent. In truth i was just punishing myself again not taking accountability for my actions. Today that changes. I want to reach out to each and everyone of you and apologize and ask for your forgiveness Truely i mean this. This isn't some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ placation, not this time. Myra especially you. I failed as a friend and as one of your officers, I punished you to punish myself and washed it away with an im sorry and it wont happen again but it did again and again. I was no better than an abusive husband. I have said i was sorry but I have never asked for you to forgive me. Never accepted responsibility for my actions. The same is reached out to all of you. I have done and said some bad things over the past few years i have been here. I can be mean and uncaring at times and you deserve a better friend. I also deserve friends and i deserve to be happy and have fun. So here is what i have decided. I will return but not as I was. I will return only when each and everyone of you has forgiven me. When i have earned that forgiveness. I have unblocked everyone on my friend list. Because blocking you all was stupid and only accomplished hurtng myself more. I suck at these sort of things and im sure to some of you this may seem laughable or stupid or why the ♥♥♥♥ are you reading this. But just know I care about everyone in the underdogs and I will try and be a better friend to all of you. Lastly I only ask that you give me the opportunity to work hard to restore your faith in me and to earn your forgiveness.

sincerely,

Silent