Shadow the Hedgehog's a bitch-ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife. That's right, he took his hedgehog fuckin' quilly dick out...

Little Girl : Mommy?

Dr. Eggman : -and he pissed on my fucking wife, and he said his dick was "THIS BIG", and I said "That's disgusting!" So I'm making a callout post on my Twitter dot com. Shadow the Hedgehog, you got a small dick! It's the size of this walnut except WAY smaller! And guess what? Here's what my dong looks like!

[Eggman makes explosion noises as the Eclipse Cannon is revealed]

Dr. Eggman : That's right, baby! All points, no quills, no pillows, look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong!

[the rest of the dubbers are dying with laughter]

Dr. Eggman : He fucked my wife, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck the Earth!

[the Eclipse Cannon fires]

Dr. Eggman : That's right, this is what you get, my SUPER LASER PISS! Except I'm not gonna piss on the Earth, I'm gonna go higher. I'm pissing on the MOON!

[the laser hits the moon]

Dr. Eggman : HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, OBAMA? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!

[the dubbers continue to laugh as the camera pans up to a countdown clock on the jumbo-tron]

Dr. Eggman : You have 23 hours before the piss DRRRROPLLLETS hit the fucking Earth! Now get out of my fucking sight, before I piss on you too!