Throughout the annuls of history, there have been great non-mastubators, such as Vlad Țepeș, prince of somewhere in Transylvania.

In the 14th century, young Vlad was assaulted by Turks, and was violently masturbated upon by his assailants. Much of his family was killed or simply ran the heck away, leaving young Vlad to fend for himself.

Vlad grew up in the wilds of the Transylvania woods, where he learned the ways of the violent animals that inhabit that wasteland. Some time later, Vlad would return to his besieged castle. When he arrived, he found the Turks busy having homosex and masturbating into hookas of hashish-bongs. Vlad used this opportunity to turn into a wolf-bat and ripped a giant spruce tree from the ground with his hands/claws and began to howl and impale the entire occupying army, liberating his ancestral castle, and the uninhabitable rocks upon which it sat.

Vlad’s evil brother, Zlomasturbuyesvynya, had treacherously joined the enemy Turks, and when he received word that his fellow masturbators had been decimated, he raised a huge army, and set to conquer the castle once and for all. He stood with his massive army of Turkish masturbators and called out to his brother Vlad, invasion was imminent.

Vlad prayed to God that he be granted even more cooler powers, and so, God did just that, and he became a giant spear of Jesus-Fire, and exploded violently from the castle, incinerating many heathens instantaneously. But it would be for naught, as the masturbators were legion, and they overcame Vlad in mere minutes.

Vlad would then be imprisoned in his own castle for eons, where he impaled rats and bugs he found in his cell, stating the impalings were his “window to peace”. He died in 1975.

The Turks continue to be masturbators of the Nth degree to this day.