You know that sequence from Malcolm in the Middle where Hal tries to fix the garage lightbulb, so he goes to grab a spare, but the shelf holding them is wobbly? So then he gets a screwdriver to fix the shelf but the tool drawer is squeaky so of course he grabs some lubricant but the can is empty and so he goes to the store but the car is making a funny noise.... Hey, what the ♥♥♥♥ was I doing even?

Valhalla is essentially that experience, and at around 25 hours I think imma call this one. For a long time now Ubi has really doubled down on the idea that more content = better game, and this has never been more evident than here. Perhaps like some of you reading this now, as a person with a limited amount of time on Earth I'd strongly posit the contrary.

None of this is helped by the way the game is structured. Seemingly its the typical open world formula, but the content is fairly rigidly dosed out so you really don't have any choice in what order or when story beats unfold. The game will gatekeep those choices based on level or other unlockable bits of progression.
So I enountered an ostensibly significant character. She had a unique design and a celebrity VO by Shohreh Aghdashloo. I use the actor's name instead of the character's, because like pretty much everyone else in the game I already forgot what it was.
Anyway, what I do remember is that there were mad hints about a fascinating backstory to her, and it really seemed like the game was working up to dropping some fresh Assassin lore.
By this time my patience with Valhalla was wearing thin, so I really sat up and started to pay attention, and play actively for a change. We went through a fairly elaborate infiltration and assassination, and then she just ♥♥♥♥♥♥ right off?
https://gtm.you1.cn/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3329771752
I have a strong feeling that her narrative arc continues once I grind out an appropriate amount of levels, or unlock the required territory on the map, but man, this tease and let down was such a perfect encapsulation of the core issue with this game. The devs couldn't care less about telling a good story. They just want you on the hamster wheel for long enough that you'll buy some of the crap from the ingame store. Maybe she shows up later, maybe she doesn't, I'll probably never find out.

I'd say that 70% of all the stuff that happened during my playthrough was just breadcrumbs. A sugartrail to get you playing more. It's a vapid excuse for the game to exist around it, as opposed to an inherently well written and gratifying narrative that serves itself.
The characters are all megabland and forgettable, so it all just meshes into a blur. Every once in a while something mildly interesting happens, but then it settles back into a monotonous and comfortable rhythm.

To be completely honest if you're in the right mindset and specifically craving this type of passive / zen gaming experience, it can be OK. But the bloat is very, very real. This is quintessential present day Ubisoft busywork, spread across an expansive and gorgeous map.
https://gtm.you1.cn/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3328298093
There's little glimpses of more interesting writing and bits of fantastic environmental storytelling, like that guy with the axe in his head or the king of the tiny island in the middle of the river, but these bits of interesting content are completely drowned out by the hodgepodge verbosity of... Pretty much everything else in the game.

This really sucks too, because the core gameplay is very fun and the world is beautiful. All they had to do was trim down all the timewaste bloat and focus on the writing. Valhalla could have been a modern classic. As it stands, this is one of the most overwritten games I've ever came across.

At any point in my playthrough, I'd have probably struggled to tell you what the hell I was doing, and to what end. Just follow the markers on the map, and let your brain enter a vegetative state. It's the video game equivalent of binging on McDonalds.
This is the most streamlined the franchise has ever been, for better or worse. Combat is fun and arcadey, stealth is ezpz, any semblance of realism has long since vanished from this series. Character progression for the most part lacks meaning, but is still satisfying.
https://gtm.you1.cn/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3328414722
Microtransactions in an entirely single player game makes me ♥♥♥♥ and vomit all at once, it literally kills me I'm dead. Cosmetics and 'convenience items' galore. Every time you open the game it takes its sweet time 'checking for addons', and the main screen has adverts on it for other products. Yuck.

The potential was massive but in true ubisoft fashion they have utterly squandered it.

На мою думку, Valhalla - найкраща частина із міфічної трилогії асасинів. Плюсів у гри багато: цікава і багатостороння бойова система; безліч унікальної зброї та броні; величезне дерево прокачки з багатьма різними навичками та стилями гри; дійсно непоганий основний сюжет; море активностей у відкритому світі, які набагато різноманітніші, ніж в Odyssey, через що не набридають, і навіть провівши в грі сотню годин, все одно є чим зайнятися; хороша атмосфера епохи вікінгів, що затягує тебе в цей світ пригод та битв; врешті-решт просто неймовірна графіка та багато усього іншого. Із найбільших мінусів я би виділив: все ще неадекватних розмірів карту, яка меньше ніж в Одісеї, але все ще завелика, та затягування основного сюжету укладанням союзів, яке набагато нудніше за нього.

rozpisuje w podpunktach:

>fabuła - fabuła nadaje się do tarcia chrzanu, na samym wstępie jest zbyt nudna żeby wciągnąć w dalszą rozgrywkę. Później jest coraz gorzej.
>system walki - jest okropnie monotonny, po dwóch godzinach rozgrywki czułem znudzenie bijąc się z przeciwnikami a tak chyba nie powinno być.
>mechaniki - jak na grę z roku 2020 to mechaniki są okropne. (np jazda koniem)
>skrytobójstwo - kto tak spieprzył ten system??, to w ogóle nie przypomina Assasina tylko orka co bije na siłę żeby zabić.
>drzewko umiejętności - za duże, niektóre umiejętności są nie potrzebne
>mapa - jak na grę o Assasynach (ta odsłona nie jest o żadnym) mapa jest za dużą i niektóre lokacje nie potrzebne.
>bugi - miałem bardzo dużo bugów podczas skrytobójstw (animacja sie bugowała co podowało tym że nie mogłem się ruszyć postacią)

3/10 crap
pzdr4wb